


Crystal Heights

by GabeCarter



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - All Human, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Drug Use, M/M, Psychological Trauma, Rave, Recreational Drug Use, Sexuality Crisis
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-06-01
Updated: 2013-06-01
Packaged: 2017-12-12 14:23:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 45,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/812564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GabeCarter/pseuds/GabeCarter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Winchester brothers move in to an upper-class suburb under custody of their uncle Bobby Singer after their parents die. Dean soon befriends his new neighbor Castiel Novak in a 'more than friends' relationship, borderline romantic, but their own views on homosexuality is stopping them from crossing the line. When everything around them keeps crumbling apart, and their conflicted selves keep screwing it up, there's only one question to ask: Are they strong enough?</p><p>Loosely based on "The O.C." with critical alterations to the SPN characters (and canon events from both shows) to fuse them as seamlessly as possible. Note that if you want Dean and Cas having a healthy relationship with more happy moments than bad ones, this is not the fic for you.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. New Kids on the Block

**Author's Note:**

> It could be considered as High School AU (since it gives sense to the whole plot) although the school is not the main focus for the story. Also, I haven't listed all tags/warnings/characters/relationships since it's only the first chapter but there will be more added as I write the following chapters.

When Dean entered what would become his new house, the first thing he noticed was the smell, clear from the hideous stench of cigarette and alcohol coating the walls, like those of their apartment back in Kansas. After his mother died, his father John Winchester became a mess who grieved on his own way, disregarding his sons for the most part and getting drunk more often than not; the house got permeated with John’s ethylic state. Dean had been only 6 years old when that happened and it forced him to grow up prematurely to take care of his younger brother Sam, since their father was too busy cruising bars or working to get money for the alcohol. Of course, their lives were not entirely trashy, John’s income sufficed for something to eat everyday, for clothes to wear and to keep a roof above their heads when they hit the bed, but that left no expectation for the luxuries like the ones that seemed to wait for them in their new life with their uncle.

Bobby Singer was not biologically related to the boys, but he was an old friend of the family that had been a constant presence since Dean could remember, and when John found his inevitable end in a car accident for driving drunk, Bobby came in to take the boys into his house. He had no kids on his own and was not married either, so the only family he could recall were the Winchesters, he loved the boys as if they were his. Dean was thankful for having his support during the whole process.

“Go unpack your stuff,” said Bobby while patting Dean on the back with a gentle warmth that the teenager was unaccustomed to; the weight of comfort was received with an afflicted sigh.

“What room should I take?” Dean murmured with a discomforted grimace, eyes glued to the floor.

Bobby pointed towards the stairs to indicate where the bedrooms were located in the huge house that Dean figured could fit his old apartment at least 7 times. “You can have the one with the balcony facing the street or the one in the back facing the pool, I’ve alre…” and then he got interrupted by Sam.

“I want the one facing the pool!” the young boy yelled excitedly on his way upstairs, rushing to the bedroom before his older brother could claim it.

Dean smirked lightly, glad that his brother seemed rather happy in spite of the recent events. “Got no other choices? A balcony, sounds like the room for a chick.”

Bobby shook his head amusedly, at least Dean hadn’t lost his wit, that was a good sign. “There are two other rooms you could take but they’re stocked with boys and stuff. If you help me switch them you can have the one you like.”

Dean shrugged, he didn’t mind the heavy work of moving furniture around. “Sure, but I’ll have to do it tomorrow, I feel exhausted today,” and he really was, as expected from everything he’d been through since John’s funeral. Bobby had been there to help, but as the closest kin it all fell on Dean’s shoulders. A responsibility not meant for a 17 year old boy.

“Go sleep then, maybe you’ll find the room’s not so girly,” he teased, hoping Dean would lose interest in the idea of switching rooms.

“Yeah I wouldn’t bet on it, dude. Balcony… that’s a big no,” he made a gesture with his hands to further display his discomfort, but soon enough he was carrying his bags upstairs.

The room was huge, Dean never expected to see a room so big in his life, let aside for himself alone. The bed was large enough to fit three people with good space between each, his hormonal mind quickly supplied the image of a threesome, a large smile was drawn on his face with that thought. Everything in the house was plain white which gave the impression of being even more classy than it already was, it even had a little workspace at one of the far corners that made Dean think he was in an expensive hotel room. He took a deep breath at the growing feeling of being misplaced in that house and tossed the bags by the door.

At the opposite wall of the entrance there was a pair of crystal gates, and on each side of the gates a large rectangular window let the sunlight brighten the room, all glasses counting with their own set of curtains which despite being a light cream color, barely darker than the walls, were thick enough to stop too much light from getting through, which Dean appreciated because he was so not a morning person. He walked to the balcony gates and pulled them open, better to explore his surroundings if he was meant to spend God only knew how much time there.

The sunset looked beautiful from there and for a moment of weakness he thought the balcony wasn’t as bad as he initially assumed, but shook the thought away with a dry chuckle. “What am I, a girl?” he mocked himself before letting his eyes wander towards the street. Bobby’s house had been built on a small hill, making the unnecessarily long driveway to become a ramp leading up from the street to the entrance, all of it rounded by the greenest lawn Dean had ever seen. The driveway ended right next to a line of tall bushes that separated Bobby’s house from the neighbor’s but even then, the next house seemed too far away.

The houses in this suburb were unreal for Dean and he couldn’t help but to feel that sinking feeling inside his chest that he did not belong there and that trying to fit there was going to be an exhausting task that he was not ready to face anytime soon. He sighed wearily, running his right hand across his face as if that would wipe the tiredness away, and right when he was getting ready to get back inside his room, his attention got caught by a guy standing by the end of the hedgerow; with a first-sight guess he could tell the guy his was same age, maybe a little shorter than him and with a ridiculous messy dark brown hair. Of course… Dean’s attention didn’t go to the boy but to the fume that was coming out of his mouth, he frowned confused because the August weather in that side of the country would never go low enough to breath out a fume out of coldness. He exhaled to check if that was vapor but soon realized it was smoke, the guy had a cigarette in his left hand and Dean felt a sudden craving, he hadn’t had a cigarette in a long time and now seemed like a suitable occasion for one. He debated with himself on going out and talk the guy into giving him a cigarette but ultimately decided not to. The messy guy looked like one of those golden boys far too conceited to talk to someone like Dean, and in that county it wasn’t a far fetched notion.

 

* * *

 

Castiel Novak was a popular kid in his school, it seemed like people didn’t mind his lack of social skills or pop culture knowledge, instead they thought of him as polite and a good listener so they befriended him easily. Additionally, the large bank account of his family that exceeded the rest of them was something that imposed a good status among them. He had lived his entire life in that town and it was a rather closed community where everyone knew each other. The only reason to make him sociable was the reputation his father had, which translated into being watched closely by the school principal, the influential men that had business with his father and pretty much anyone even remotely aware of the Novak family. Had it not been for that, Castiel would have been on a permanent low profile; instead he was forced to keep the image he was expected to have, prestigious, educated, and on top of it public.

His father was a tycoon that made his fortune as the CEO of a real state and development company that dedicated most enterprises to build Crystal Heights up to what it was now. That position granted him power into the community but kept him away from his family for most parts of the day, everyday. Additionally, Castiel never met his mother so his only role models and caretakers were his older siblings Naomi and Gabriel. Naomi seemed to be stricter on him, earnest, wise and protective, but even then she didn’t rule with an iron fist like their father attempted to. Castiel liked her because they were similar in many ways and he could always turn to her with his nerdy inquiries and receive advice if needed. Gabriel on the other hand, despite being the eldest brother, was careless for such a role, instead he devoted himself to getting the most out of life in his own way, he left the house when Cas was still a child and now was experiencing his own taste of freedom. Keeping an eye on his siblings from afar, only intervening when strictly necessary but otherwise absent as well as their father; Castiel didn’t make a perfect match with Gabriel but he cherished any time they could spend together.

Due to his family’s public relations he had many acquaintances, but only one person was considered a close friend and that was Balthazar, it had been like that ever since Balthazar moved into the suburbs, although Castiel still questioned himself about how they managed to like each other when their personalities were completely different; Balth was outgoing and a _‘free love’_ kind of guy who slept with whoever came by his sight whereas Castiel had a very virginal attitude towards sex despite not being a virgin and was very reticent when it came to sexuality. Regardless of their opposable points of views and lifestyles, they always hung around at school, out for meal together and went to parties side by side. That night was the birthday of some guy that Castiel did not care much about but Balthazar had insisted. He couldn’t really say no to him.

Castiel walked slowly into the living room where Naomi was reading a book. “I have a party to attend tonight,” he said, more like announcing rather than asking for permission.

“I’m not surprised,” the older girl replied, already used to Castiel having a party to attend every other night.

“Balthazar was insistent and I already said yes,” he admitted, “so…”

“Well I have no way to say no to you. Your grades are good, your room is always clean…” she smiled at her younger brother. “I don’t know why you insist on asking me, you know you can go,” she said, while raising her book to eye level to keep reading.

“Okay,” Castiel whispered with a nod, then went to take a quick bath before getting dressed in a pair of jeans that were not too tight nor too loose, a navy blue shirt without stamping and a black jacket on top. When he was ready, he walked out of the house to wait for Balthazar and in the meantime have a cigarette. The smoke filling his lungs was relaxing, he didn’t particularly like the taste but the mere action of smoking eased his mind. He exhaled the fume with gusto and somehow, in that peaceful state of mind, he felt the weight of a gaze on his shoulders.

Turning around curiously, he noticed a guy standing in the balcony of Professor Bobby’s house and slowly tilted his head aside in confusion, as if that would help him get an answer to the quick question popping up in his head. _“Who is that guy?”_ He had never heard about the professor having any relatives, the whole school used to think of him as a hermit.

The eye contact lingered for longer than they both expected. Dean subconsciously licked his lips, noticing how dry his mouth went at the intense gaze of blue hues straight into the green flares. They both smiled simultaneously with an awkward purse of lips, and yet neither of them looked away. Castiel managed to raise his hand halfway up in the air to wave, it was social convention after all, but then a car curbed in front of him and his attention was drawn back to the street.

The music from the car that parked with a screech of their wheels was vibrating too loud to be appropriate, Dean could hear the beat all the way over in his room, although he couldn’t recognize which song it was. As a car lover, the fascination for the shiny Chevy Silverado that parked out there was undeniable, but he instantly hated whoever was driving it for making an annoyance out of it.

“Smoking again, Cassy?” Balthazar told Castiel in his British accent when he hopped out of the driver seat, walking casually towards the boy to take the cigarette off his friend’s hand and taking a drift from it.

“I had to do something while I was waiting,” replied Castiel as staid as ever, before taking the cigarette back and sucking up again. Balthazar smirked in amusement.

“Alright lovebirds, let’s get going,” Uriel called from the rolled down window of the passenger seat.

Castiel turned around to take a look at the guy in the balcony once again before sliding into the back seat of the Chevy, shoving the image of him deep down in his mind. Last thing he needed was anyone finding out he had an attraction for guys; even Balthazar was unaware of it, or so Castiel thought.

The party was as lame as expected, people bragging about their money through expenses in fashion, in cars, the sports they played, their house remodeling, etc. things utterly uninteresting for Castiel so he barely paid attention to them. Sure, it was the life he had grown up into, and he wasn’t exactly disapproving of the commodities their money brought (his iPhone, his designer clothes, and the endless piles of books neatly organized in his bookcase were proof of it), but he felt so vain by relating with the other kids that, unless he had several drinks in him, he couldn’t bare talking to. Balthazar and Uriel kept pulling him along, trying unsuccessfully to get him involved in their hookups which had been his unofficial duty as the wingman for every party, but half of the time was spent nursing on his drink while the other half was complaining about how little alcohol they had.

The girls that were flirting back and forth with Balthazar and Uriel were also trying to include Castiel in; the blue-eyed teen could be considered a socialite among The CH community, and there was an odd appeal to the mysterious attitude that came along with the business-like expressions, but when it came to flirting, Cas just wasn’t interested. He was there just for the drinks (and partially to make an act of presence in the birthday party), so his general reaction was simply to smile, nod and laugh whenever they laughed.

That was how the rest of the party went on. How pretty much every party went on.

 

Next thing he remembered was being dragged out of a car, and that he was fighting instinctively on reaction to the assault until the guys gave up on him and left him alone, dropping to the grass on all four before noticing his house up ahead. His mind had been spinning around madly and his body was hardly responding him. He tried to stand up and make the not-so-short journey up the driveway to his house, but he failed miserably and fell to the ground again, this time no hands cushioned his collapse and he grunted when his face hit the floor. At that point he felt too tired and dizzy to try again so he allowed his eyelids close to rest for a minute and let the inebriation wear off.

 

* * *

 

Dean had stood in the balcony for a longer while, only getting back inside his room when the car-slash-truck was lost in the horizon of the street, closing the glass gates behind him. Then his weary body dropped onto the bed and he looked up at the unusually high ceiling. He did not belong there, he knew he was from a different social class than these kids just by looking at them, just by watching the neighborhood, just by watching the house. And the discomfort kept him semi-awake for several minutes before his eyelids, impossibly heavy, closed and let him fall asleep without even noticing. His dreams had been pretty much the same lately, flashing images of his father and the accident, about his old house that even though it was not nearly as nice compared to Bobby’s, he could call home, unlike this place. They had been gradually replacing the previous ones of a house burning to the foundations, and a beautiful woman screaming to get her sons out of the house. Both dream topics built the same lump in his through whenever he woke up soaked in sweat. Impotence. Anger. Sadness.

Accustomed to the noises in the city where he lived, his body reacted to the extreme silence in that house, only disturbed by the far sound of the slight heaving water from Bobby’s pool. Having bad dreams like Dean’s (not necessarily nightmares), made his mind be more than willing to wake up at the slightest disturbance, and strangely enough this much quietness was a disturbance. When his eyes slid open, he was feeling just as exhausted as when he hit the bed, but now it was nearly impossible to get to back to sleep, yet he didn’t get out of bed in order to try and clear his head from his thoughts. Long minutes passed of staring at the inside of his eyelids, still unable to fall back to sleep, until a loud familiar noise broke the calmness of his room, a car parking outside and some teenage laughter; he quickly assumed they were dropping the guy back to his house, and with a little bit of concern and nothing else to do, he got out of bed and walked barefooted to look outside his window.

As expected, the same silver truck parked and a pair of guys hopped out to drag the dark haired boy into the lawn of his house, they tried to carry him to the porch but gave up soon when the kid started fighting them away with clumsy moves and slurred words that might have as well been a different language. The other guys exchanged some looks and whispering laughs before deciding to leave the guy in the middle of the yard, then trotted back to the car to drive away as fast as possible.

“What the hell?” Dean groaned sleepily, surprised that they could actually be friends of the poor guy who was evidently drunk.

The guy’s steps were shaky and he could barely stand straight to even walk to his house. It reminded Dean of his father and all the times he had to get the old man’s intoxicated ass to bed. Maybe it was the resemblance or simply because he felt sorry for that next-door boy but he put on his boots as quickly as he could and got out of his room, walked downstairs as sneakily as possible so he wouldn’t wake up Bobby or Sam, then out of the house heading to his neighbor’s.

When he walked down the hill to the street, he peeked around the end of the hedgerow, he noticed the guy was now laying in the grass, seemingly unconscious. “Fuck,” Dean cursed with an irked undertone before approaching the guy. He looked around, hoping for no one to notice them and get the wrong idea, then for the first time that night he dared to look at his watch: 2 am; surely no one was awake. He tried to wake the drunk guy but it was futile, the guy was completely passed out. “Oh, come on,” Dean complained through clenched teeth with a more irritated voice and shook his head. First night in the neighborhood and he was already dealing with trouble. “Hey, dude,” he tried calling, finally daring to slap the other’s face just strong enough to wake him.

Castiel whimpered at the hits to his face that felt far harsher than they actually were “What?!” he huffed without opening his eyes.

Dean sighed relieved that the boy was awake “Man, where are your keys?” he prompted, in hopes of getting the other boy to at least pass out in his own living room, but the other guy didn’t answer and seemed to fall asleep again. “No, no, no,” Dean began slapping him again. After a minute of an unresponsive drunk guy in his arms he had no other choice but to search for such keys on his own. He begun to awkwardly digging his hands into the guy’s pants, then the jacket pockets and even the wallet that he found on him, but there were no signs of any keys, “Dammit.” So he wouldn’t be able to drop the guy in his own house, and he couldn’t just leave him there out in the open. Dean hesitated for a while, looking back and forth between the guy’s house and Bobby’s, eventually deciding that it would be less of a hassle to take the guy back to Bobby’s house than wake up the neighbors that he didn’t even know to deliver their very drunken son. It was also the better option to save some of the guy’s dignity.

Luckily the boy was lean unlike Dean who was more toned. So Dean tried to pull him up and hopefully have him walk on his own, but Castiel was definitely gone by now and his jelly legs didn’t even make an effort to stand and walk. Dean maneuvered as best he could to get the unconscious body on his back, the drunken hands around his neck, and the powerless legs on his arms so he could lift the limp body. The way back to his room carrying an unconscious guy was way too exhausting for his already tired body but he managed to put him down on the humongous mattress of his bedroom as gently as possible. He recovered his will to sleep after that so he went down to the living room to lay on the couch, no way was he going to sleep in the same room with a strange dude. Hitting the couch, his mind began to turn off, and after a few minutes his body succumbed to the tiredness, his eyes shutting closed shortly after.

 

* * *

 

Waking up in a stranger’s bed was not really unusual for Castiel, it wasn’t the first time it happened, but it was nonetheless shocking when he opened his eyes and noticed the strange room he was in. He felt panic; wide eyes exploring the room for anything familiar but it wasn’t any house known to him. He brought a hand to rub his eyes and get his mind to remember anything at all but it was all a blur, and a mild headache was threatening to begin the morning torture. His breathing stopped briefly with the sudden assumption of what could have happened, and he reluctantly lifted the sheets to see if he was naked. Gladly, he was still wearing the clothes from the previous night, now with green smudges of grass all over his jacket and shirt. He sighed, a bit more relieved having discarded the option of drunk sex with someone random, then pulled himself off the bed and headed to the window to get some positioning of his location. He couldn’t believe seeing his house right across the hedgerow. He soon recognized the balcony he was on. It was where he had seen that guy the day before, “What…” he grumbled to himself, perplexed. He was in professor Singer’s house. His breath started to get heavy thanks to the flustering situation but he knew he had to get out of the house quickly, so he took his shoes off to sneak out of the room as quietly as possible. The alarm clock in the bedroom indicated 4 a.m., the professor was probably still asleep but regardless, he took all precautions and peeked out of the bedroom, opening the door silently before daring to walk outside. He was completely alienated to the house but managed to find the staircase easily and, with steady silent steps, he walked down to the first floor.

The main door creaked more than he expected as he dragged it opened so he only pulled enough to get his body to pass through it. _‘I’m a mess’_ , he thought once outside, shaking his head in disapproval at himself as he closed the door slowly again. Then he put his shoes on and walked down the driveway.

A voice coming from behind stopped him in his tracks.

“Hey,” came from the entrance of the house. It startled Castiel and he froze ashamed. The voice was not of the professor though, thank god because he would probably get expelled from school for trespassing, or worse. He finally turned around reluctantly and spotted the guy with dark, sandy blond hair staring at him accusingly, his torso resting against one of the two large doors.

Castiel bit his bottom lip nervously and stared at the other guy’s eyes “H-hi… uh… I’m-” he began an apology but the guy interrupted him.

“Look man, no need to apologize okay? Just… be careful next time,” Dean’s tone was not as deep as Castiel’s but still could join a contest for the sexiest, virile voices if such thing existed.

Castiel went quiet, not knowing what to say to that, so he averted his eyes uncomfortably with an uncomfortable nod, “What happened?”

Dean took a deep breath, “Your friends dropped you home but… you fought them away,” instinctively Castiel tapped his pockets noticing he forgot his keys. “I couldn’t let you sleep on the grass, dude,” Dean continued.

That made Castiel smile a bit and turn his gaze back to him “Thank you…” he paused then motioned his hand at him to ask for his name.

“Dean” he answered, taking a step outside the house and closing the door behind him.

“Castiel,” he introduced himself with his eyes still fixed on Dean who grimaced, confused at the name “Yes it’s unusual… my father is very interested in biblical scriptures, and he named me after an angel.” He felt almost too pretentious when explaining the origin of his name but still, he liked it. Dean made a slow nod. “Okay, Dean… thank you again,” he said, taking a step back to head home now.

“Wait…” Dean said, a bit louder than necessary but it made Castiel stop immediately “… I… well… I saw you before. With a cigarette.”

Castiel smiled and huffed a chuckle. “Sure,” he said, understanding what Dean was asking without even have him to word his request. Then he pulled the pack out of his jacket, handing one of the cigarettes that survived the party to Dean along with the lighter that was inside.

Dean lit his cigarette with a renewed taste for tobacco as he inhaled the smoke, even the taste was different, softer, sweeter even. He handed the lighter back to its owner and then turned the tip of his cigarette to look at the brand printed on it. Must have been one of an expensive kind because he didn’t recognize it. _‘Girl smokes’_ , he thought as he drew another whiff.

“I wasn’t aware Professor Singer had a… nephew?” Castiel assumed out loud after he lit his own cigarette, calming himself down from his previous shock.

“Long story,” Dean offered instead of giving explanations, he wasn’t the kind to speak about him and his family, especially not with strangers.

Castiel tilted his head as if that would help him study Dean better. “I’ve got time,” he said, subtly asking the other guy to elaborate, oblivious to the other’s reluctance and the fact it was a rather inappropriate topic right there.

“No offense dude, but it’s none of your business,” Dean replied without thinking. He didn’t intend to come out with such a coarse voice but still made the point that he didn’t want to talk about it.

Castiel made a disappointed face, “I’m your neighbor,” he stated seriously, as if that was enough excuse to demand answers.

Dean chuckled unamused; back home no neighbor would even bother to ask about him and now there was this stranger. “All in due time,” Dean said confidently with a smirk. Already giving up to the fact that he was stuck with this guy next door. “You should go home.”

“I don’t have my keys,” and without them, Castiel’s plan to sneak silently into his room without waking up anyone was screwed, now he had to wait for Naomi to wake up.

Dean rolled his eyes, remembering that small factor, then gave a meditative look towards the entrance of Bobby’s house. “Wanna wait inside?” He swung his head towards the door to invite Castiel back in.

Castiel looked at his house through the line of vegetation, he didn’t have much choice anyway so he nodded thankfully at Dean. He waved the cigarette in his finger though, in his own house the smell was banished so he wasn’t allowed to smoke inside. Dean seemed to understand that but since they just lit them up it was a waste to throw them away, so he sat down at the foot of the small staircase outside the entrance door.

“What were you doing up so… early?” Castiel addressed Dean again, hesitantly walking closer and sitting next to him with just enough space between them.

“Couldn’t sleep,” Dean replied nonchalantly, but the mere mention of sleep made his body react with a yawn.

Castiel found himself staring at Dean yawning, and he didn’t notice the smile that brought to his own face “Looks like you can now.”

“Not with you here,” Dean replied in a joking tone that made both of them laugh shyly. Sure, his body felt tired but his mind was too aware to get some sleep. “What about you? How are you feeling?”

“Not hungover if that’s what you’re asking.” After all the alcohol he has ingested in his life, his body didn’t seem to process a hangover, although he did get headaches when he didn’t sleep enough after getting drunk. For now he was surviving thanks to the cigarette so he inhaled a deep smoke.

“Really? You seemed pretty out of it earlier.” Dean glanced over his shoulder to look at Castiel, who wasn’t moving more than the up and down heaving of his chest when he breathed, something in his eyes answered a wordless _‘not my first time’_  that didn’t came out of Cas’ chapped lips. And Dean found enough will to joke about it, “So you were just acting to get into my bed?”

Dean laughed, but Cas seemed a bit less amused and quickly replied “I could not have foreseen that you would help me.”

Whether Cas was oblivious to the teasing, or unwilling to fight off the idea of getting into his bed, Dean couldn’t tell. So he chuckled at the other’s naivety “It was a joke, man.”

_‘I don’t joke’_ , Cas thought to himself, but left it for the record of deleted scenes because it didn’t give the best impression of a friend, which frankly was not the best start with a new acquaintance. “I don’t get hungover,” he answered instead.

“Ever?” Dean asked surprised before smoking again.

Cas shook his head once, “Headaches sometimes, but not the urge to vomit or-”

“Okay okay… I get it. No need to get explicit.” And suddenly Dean felt envious of such skill, “Oh man, the things I’d do if I couldn’t get hungover.”

“… like drinking bottles of alcohol completely, only to pass out on your own yard where a stranger neighbor will help you out?”

Dean laughed out loud at that line, “And here I thought you had no sense of humor.”

But Cas wasn’t joking, “I wasn’t being hilarious, it just happened to me,” but somewhere deep inside him he felt glad to make someone laugh. He was usually considered a good shoulder to cry on, a friend that anyone would go to if they were going through some shit, albeit he wasn’t a very comforting friend, but he was very rational and apparently that helped people to calm down. He was the confident, but never the first option to have around for casual fun; thankfully Dean wasn’t aware of this.

“Did you at least have fun?” Dean asked suddenly, smile still plastered on his face.

“You mean the party or your bed?” Cas inquired seriously, but the unconscious innuendo made Dean choke on his smoke and cough violently.

It hadn’t been exactly what Cas said, but **how** he said it. “… the party…” Dean replied awkwardly when he stopped coughing, and that was all it took for Castiel to take a mental note for his list of guys he considered attractive. Dean is straight.

“Apologies,” he murmured before smoking again to cut the tension. “I had fun,” he admitted unconvinced. He really had no definition of fun but anything with getting drunk made it to the list. “Same people I see at school everyday, I guess it’s… repetitive.”

“Yeah well, I don’t blame you,” Dean quickly interjected, “I mean, no offense but this town looks fucking vain.”

“More than you know,” Cas admitted almost subconsciously, turning his eyes to look at Dean when he realized he actually said it out loud, “it’s a close-knit community, they have not much to do but gossip about others and be presumptions. And the business men seem to always be plotting against each other.” He paused at the thought of his own father being part of such scheming people. “Like you said… vain.”

Dean didn’t ask anything though, he was intrigued that Cas would look at his own town with such eyes. Sure Dean thought these people would be presumptuous and down straight annoying, but at some level he could envy that everything looked peaceful and trouble-less. “So… did you grow up here?”

Cas nodded slowly, and Dean took note of how the other guy’s gestured always seem graceful, from handing him a second cigarette to lifting his chin to blow off the smoke into the air, the slow gestures seemed scripted and taken out of a book, it was weird but also enticing, and it caused him to stare at him in awe. Totally not attractive of course. Not at all. Because he was a dude. But he bet that girls were all over him.

Several minutes of comfortable silence followed, and when Dean’s second cigarette was almost over, Cas turned back to look into his eyes. Apparently no one had taught him that staring this intensely was uncomfortable for most people… and it happened again, Dean’s mouth went dry and he licked his lips unconsciously; breaking the eye contact once he realized that. “How long are you staying here?” Cas asked suddenly.

It was a question that Dean had been asking himself ever since Bobby told them to pack their stuff and move in with him, it had been already 20 days since then, and there was no answer to the question yet. So he shrugged nonchalantly.

Cas didn’t misread the gesture. At first he thought Dean was over to visit or something; but the look on the man’s face when he shrugged, added to the earlier response of _‘it’s a long story’_ spoke volumes for Castiel. “You’re moving in here?”

Dean’s rule of not sharing personal stuff with stranger seemed to be forgotten when he looked the interest in Cas’ eyes. It wasn’t the classic small talk that people would have with him. Castiel was actually interested. “Yeah, I guess.”

Castiel waited a few seconds, believing Dean would elaborate further, but when he noticed the guy was not going to say anything else, he asked “And where are you from?”

Dean would have usually replied with a ‘What does it matter?’ or ‘Why do you care?’, but he was physically and mentally tired to start with the classic Dean Winchester attitude, so instead he inhaled some smoke and answered “Kansas,” before blowing out.

Dean was expecting a disgusted grimace, or an arrogant look from Castiel, but instead the other man gave another nod, “Nice weather, as far as I’m aware. Never been there.”

“Nice place,” Dean continued, a nostalgic tone hiding under his words. It wasn’t really a nice place, Dean had more bad memories about Kansas than good ones, but in the end it was his home, and the place where his mother was resting. The place where his family used to be together.

Castiel nodded again; talking about places he didn’t know was usually awkward for him, specially if he was talking about it with someone who grew up there, so he broke what would become another long silence, “Professor Singer is a good man, he’ll make sure you have a good life here.”

“I’m more concerned for my brother,” Dean admitted against his own will. Maybe Castiel didn’t hear it, or he didn’t care, or both… because the conversation took a quick turn after that.

The sky was now a light shade of blue, growing brighter by the second, and they finally realized it was already dawn and they had spent at least 2 hours just talking about mundane stuff like school, cars, sports, and then something more normal for a first time meeting. Dean learned Cas was sixteen years old, all of them spent in Crystal Heights with a clean record at school on his father’s demands, a model student (and basically everything Dean wasn’t). Castiel learned that Dean was seventeen but was coursing the same grade at school than him because he had to skip the last year to get a job. The one topic Castiel tried to avoid and Dean wasn’t willing to touch was relationships. On one hand there was Castiel who hadn’t had a serious relationship ever, most of his attempts to relate with a woman ended up in disinterest from either of the parties involved, mostly from Castiel himself who was beginning to struggle with the idea of being gay. He kept that questioning a secret though, because rumors spread fast in that town and homosexuality was frowned upon, laughed at, and disproved of so severely that he preferred to lay low. On the other hand there was Dean whose relationships record was stained with more one-night stands than actual girlfriends; to him it was only about finding someone to be with when he felt overwhelmed by his responsibilities with Sam and John, he needed some release every now and then but he wasn’t very talkative about his feelings or whatever girls wanted in a man, so his partners ended up tired of Dean’s inaccessibility and walked away. Dean wasn’t mad about it though, in fact he was too proud of his way with girls to consider the word “boyfriend” becoming part of his vocabulary any time soon.

“Dean?” A new voice interrupted their conversation, coming from the entrance door that had opened without them noticing it. Bobby was up early and heard the voices and laughs.

“Oh shit, sorry Bobby. Did I wake you up?” Dean prompted apologetically, standing up quickly. Castiel mirrored the action.

Bobby eyed the both of them with a confused look on his face and grumpy somnolent eyes “No, I’m still asleep up in my room,” he mocked Dean. Bobby recognized the other boy and it came as a surprise to find him talking to Dean, having never expected those two to ever interact… especially not so soon “Aren’t you supposed to be home, kiddo?” he addressed to Castiel.

“Yes, I was just leaving,” Castiel excused himself, turning to look at Dean one last time with a goodbye gesture and then back to Bobby with an apologetic look before walking down the driveway and towards his own house where probably Naomi had awoken too.

“Mind explaining what’s going on?” Bobby asked Dean once the other teen was out of sight. Dean shook his head with a chuckle that silently said he wasn’t going to give any explanations and went back inside to hopefully get some rest.

 

* * *

 

Monday arrived two days later but after the weird way to meet Castiel, Dean decided to keep the balcony room after all, giving Bobby the excuse of not finding the strength in him to arrange another one of the rooms he offered. Sam was also fascinated with his own room, already trying to wonder if it would hurt to jump into the pool from his window and having both Dean and Bobby warn him not to even try it. Both Winchesters still felt outsiders at the house, like mere guests instead of actual occupants despite Bobby’s attempts to make them feel more comfortable; breakfast together, movies and video games, it all sounded good in paper but in reality was a reminder of the life change they were going through. Sam seemed to be getting less afflicted than Dean though, the younger brother wasn’t fully aware of Dean’s feelings towards their past life and home, mostly because he never met their mother and he only knew John as the drunk he would bicker with on a recurrent basis; while the older Winchester had lived at least a small time in a happy family with both their parents to take care of them, love them, with Mary baking him pie every time he flipped on a bicycle and scrapped his knees. Those scant memories made Dean wish for his family to be back in one piece as it was supposed to be but clinging to them was not being productive anyway. He knew that.

“Alright boys, I’m going to meet with the principal to sign you up for school” Bobby told them as he put the glass of natural orange juice down on the breakfast table. Bobby Singer was a professor at a University in a campus just outside of Crystal Heights, a renowned Historian of Ancient Literature and Mythology, so his name caused good impact on the local high-school that gloated for having a graduate achieving so much. One small conversation and both Dean and Sam were going to be signed in for the starting course. “When I get back I’m taking you both idjits get your notebooks and stuff”. The brothers laughed together; the thing they liked about Bobby was the fact he didn’t take his role as authority figure so dead serious and instead he joked around with them, treated them just like friends whilst still taking care of them as a father would. At least a good father. It had been like that since they were little, Bobby met John shortly before Mary’s incident happened and took care of the boys as far as he could without intervening with the actual father’s duties. He even tried to find John a job with his acquaintances but the eldest Winchester was prideful and refused every time. In a way, Bobby was expecting this to happen soon or later.

Bobby patted both boys’ shoulders before heading out of the house. Immediately after, Sam was trying to convince Dean of getting into the pool again, the younger brother had spent a lot of time in it the past days because it was the first time they could get to swim without having to deal with other kids at the public pool. Dean refused in order to take a walk outside and familiarize himself with the neighborhood, if he was going to live there it was better to know the territory. Sam shrugged to him and went to his bedroom to grab a fresh towel.

Dean was almost done forgetting his first night at the house and how the guy next door passed out on his bed. It sounded more stupid the more he thought about it so he preferred not to do it, but Castiel had caused an impact on him. It was strange but those few hours they spent talking felt more smooth and fluid than he had had with anyone in a very long time. Perhaps his time in this town wasn’t going to be that bad after all. He left the house with a more lively attitude than the first night.

“Hello Dean,” he heard that same gruff voice greet him again as he walked down the driveway. Castiel was already waiting at the same spot as that night when they first laid eyes on each other.

Dean walked towards him after noticing his presence “Hey,” was all he said in return, swiftly scanning the other boy for another cigarette without the other boy noticing. “Too early for partying again, don’t you think?” it was barely 10 a.m.

Castiel smiled discreetly, looking ahead the road “Not a party this time,” Balthazar played water polo and they had a game in half an hour, Uriel was supposed to be there to pick him up already but evidently, he was late. “What about you?” Castiel asked while turning his head to look at Dean.

“Just stretching my legs, you know… exploring.”

“Exploring?” Castiel found it amusing how easily Dean gave away he wasn’t from around, which actually sparked some interest.

“Yeah, was looking for a store or something,” Dean rubbed his neck.

“What type of store are you interested in visiting?”

Dean opened his eyes wider, types of store? “Uh… chips, chocolates and lollipops kinda store I guess.”

“Oh… in that case you may want to head towards the shopping center,” Castiel pointed at the street, on the opposite direction from where he was looking, “over there. Or you can go down to the numbered streets.”

Dean made a disgusted face. Numbered streets? what kind of crap was that? “Just for a candy?”

Castiel looked disconcerted by that question. He was used to families buying large stocks of candies, water, etc., supplies in massive amounts, so the need to find a store on a daily basis was redundant and unnecessary. Of course that was only because he didn’t know Dean’s lifestyle, so he didn’t understand the other guy’s surprise. “Yeah…” he said awkwardly “I’d suggest the shopping center.”

Dean nodded, unsure if he wanted to go to anything called shopping, then for just a few seconds later the familiar car showed up and approached fast to park in front of them.

“Guess I’ll see you around,” Dean said as a way of goodbye, he knew that despite being part of that conceited society, Castiel wasn’t elitist or pretentious… or at least that was the impression he got the other night, so a promise of seeing each other wasn’t hollow.

“Yes… uh… would you like to come?” Castiel asked before opening the door of the car. Obviously the windows weren’t thick enough to mute his voice to Uriel, since the driver made a face at him and shook his head in disapproval. Castiel dismissed it though and turned his eyes back to Dean “CH’s citizens covet water polo as if it was a holy activity,” this time he whispered so Uriel didn’t hear him “There’s a game about to start.”

Dean considered his options shortly, Bobby would be home sometime soon to take them buy materials for school, and Sam was alone, and he didn’t know anyone in town to go watch a stupid game of whatever water polo was… but Castiel looked almost hopeful; it was hard to say no. “How long does it last?”

Castiel smiled successfully when Dean was almost on board his invitation. This new guy was different from his friends or anyone in town for that matter, and that overnight conversation with him felt more natural than he had at parties with people he grew up with. It was needless to say he felt intrigued to meet Dean better, “You’ll be back home in an hour, I promise.”

“How can I refuse?” Dean replied sarcastically with an eye-roll. One hour wasn’t too long, so he opened the door behind the passenger seat, where Cas hopped in.

“Uriel, this is Dean. Dean, Uriel,” was all the introductory conversation it took place. Uriel didn’t talk much but perhaps that was because he felt uncomfortable around the new guy who was evidently lower class than them, Cas on the other side was excited to have him around, and Dean… well he felt awkward, for the most part.

They drove to the high-school’s pool where the bleachers were already crowded with parents, siblings and teachers that where there to watch the game. It looked like it was about to begin since the players were already in the water, so Uriel, Dean and Cas had to make a run to find seats. Luckily Rachel, one of their closest friends, had saved them spots next to her; when they met up with her there were only two spots available, Dean couldn’t sit with them, but after a short argument with Uriel and Rachel, Castiel left to go find somewhere else for him and Dean. Five rows up, they founds seats, just in time to hear the match start.

Castiel wasn’t a fan of this sport like the rest of the town, and Dean showed a similar disinterest in it so they soon started talking among each other instead of watching it, oblivious to the dirty looks they occasionally received from Rachel. It was mostly a conversation about the rules of water polo and how a team could win… it would have been boring had it not been for Dean making jokes and witty remarks every chance he got, making Castiel laugh and attempt to do his own mocking of the game.

“I only come because Balthazar is in the team,” Castiel said then pointed down to the pool trying to describe him to let Dean know who he was talking about “That’s him.”

Dean actually recognized him even from that distance, which was similar to the one from his balcony to the end of the house’s hedgerow. It was the guy who picked up Castiel for the party then dropped him on the garden later that night “Isn’t he too short for the team?”

“That’s not funny Dean, he and I are the same height,” Castiel tried to complain but he wasn’t truly offended, it was amusing to him that Dean kept smiling the whole time.

“And you’re not on the team, my point,” and that made them both laugh.

Meanwhile, Rachel kept turning her head around to look up a few rows at Castiel and Dean. She had had a crush on Castiel since elementary school and it wasn’t a secret either, she tried to give him hints every now and again but the guy was clueless and never showed interest back. That never stopped Rachel from trying to get a hold of him every chance she got, keeping him close, going out, etc. so it was unnerving for her to watch him laughing so freely with someone who wasn’t her. “I need some air,” she told Uriel before standing up and getting out after the second quarter of the game was over.

“You’ll never see me playing water polo,” Dean stated firmly when the next quarter begun.

“You can always try soccer or basketball, those are the only sports in school.”

Dean saw a small chance of asking something that had been fluttering inside his head. The way Castiel talked to him and more specifically stared at him so intensely didn’t exactly bothered him but made him question it “What team do you play for?” subtle question, fitting, hinting, and hopefully Cas would get it.

Castiel of course wasn’t good with innuendos so he tilted his head at him “I don’t do sports”.

It wasn’t the reaction Dean expected but he figured it was for the best, “And what do you do?”

Castiel meditated for a few seconds, clearing his throat silently “Anything but sports,” and smiled, happy with himself for an evasive answer.

Dean rolled his eyes, if there was something he hated was not getting straight answers “Such as?”

Castiel opened his mouth to speak but gladly, Rachel showed up next to him “Hey Castiel, I need to show you something,” she called just loud enough for Dean to listen too.

A small exchange of looks told Castiel that Rachel seriously needed him and he couldn’t ignore it, but at the same time Dean would be left alone. “Would you wait here just for a while?” he addressed Dean who in returned just nodded, looking somewhat anguished but trying to look appeased “I’ll be back.”

The gruff voice made Dean think of a younger and less threatening version of Terminator saying the exact same line. He laughed and waved a hand nonchalantly to dismiss the other teen “Don’t keep a guy waiting, Cas.”

Both Cas and Rachel made a confused face at the sudden nick, while Rachel’s was bitter and slightly upset, Castiel’ was shy and bright. The nickname being a sign of friendship, but Cas didn’t have time to say anything about it though since Rachel grabbed his wrist and pulled him out of the crowd, towards the stairs and down to exit the pool stadium. It wasn’t a surprise to Castiel that his friend wanted some time with him, after all, they used to spend most of the water polo games together, even Uriel thought they were dating until Cas made it very clear that they were not.

“There’s this party tonight at my house. Classes start next Monday so I want to take advantage of our last free week,” Rachel told him once they were far enough from the crowd cheering and water splashing noises.

“Is that an invitation?” even though Castiel was invited to a lot to parties, it wasn’t until it was explicitly said to him that he’d either accept or refuse, though he always felt obliged to say yes.

“Well yeah, it wouldn’t be a party without you,” and it was true, every girl in Crystal Heights considered Castiel to be one of the most attractive guys in school because apparently they liked the challenge of a guy who didn’t objectify them like most jocks, which added some excitement for them to try and corrupt Castiel. Everyone wanted him to assist.

“And you pulled me out of the game to tell me that?”

“You don’t even like water polo.” Rachel complained to the poor excuse.

Castiel remained silent, he couldn’t argue with that. “Alright, thank you for informing me but you already know I’ll be there.”

“I wanted to make sure…” Rachel leaned to press a casual kiss on Castiel’s cheek, something she used to do occasionally, he didn’t like it, “… that you wouldn’t bring any unexpected guests,” she whispered once she was closer to his ear.

Rachel turned swiftly to walk away but Castiel grabbed her wrist “You mean Dean.”

“Whatever his name is… he will probably get bored in our parties.”

“Why do think that?”

For Rachel it was obvious, Uriel had talked to her about the little he knew about Dean from the car, the way he dressed and talked… even his accent gave him away “He’s not one of us.”

Castiel wasn’t surprised with that statement, everyone in town was elitist and guided by money and status. Probably the biggest reason why Castiel wasn’t like that was thanks to the perception he had of Gabriel who had lived out of state in his younger years thus expanding growing less conceited than anyone in town, but Gabriel was one of a kind around there, the rest were just as shallow as the next one, and Rachel was heading that title in school “Not what? For all I see he’s human, of our age and my neighbor.” Rachel made a surprised face at that. Apparently neither Uriel or her were aware that Dean was living at the Professor Singer’s house “If you honestly believe he won’t take pleasure in attending your party then his presence shouldn’t affect you.”

The real excuse was she wanted time with Castiel and it seemed it was going to be hard with the novelty of the new guy practically glued to Castiel “Fine. Promise me a dance and he can go.” Castiel didn’t know how to dance, at all, but the condition seemed fair so he agreed.

By the time they got back inside the stadium the game was over and people were emptying the bleachers, heading for the larger exit that lead to the parking lot. The players were nowhere to be found so Cas assumed they were at the showers already. His eyes darted back up to where he was previously sitting, Dean was still there like a lost puppy not knowing what to do. It made Castiel smile lightly and Rachel noticed that “Let’s go with Uriel,” she prompted.

“Go ahead, I’ll be there immediately.” Cas mindlessly mentioned.

Rachel sighed and rolled her eyes before walking away. Dean and Castiel met halfway, one walking down the bleachers while the other walked up the stairs. “Man, that’s gotta be the lamest sport I’ve ever watched” Dean said as soon as they were close enough to be heard. It granted him a few dirty looks from people who were still waiting for their friends, brothers or kids that played too. Neither Dean or Cas seemed to mind

Castiel smiled widely, he agreed to that but never worded a complain because of his friendship with Balthazar “And who won?”

Dean made a nervous face jokingly “Would you hate me if I said I don’t know?”

Castiel’s smile grew into a laugh “Don’t worry. If Balthazar comes out looking more bumptious than normally, I’ll know his team won.”

They both walked to meet up with Uriel and Rachel again at the parking lot and waited for Balthazar. That was their habitual routine, meet up and go out for a meal after the game, regardless of who won the match. This time Castiel figured the guys would go to Rachel’s to help with the party stuff and he really wasn’t looking forward to do that. They would have drinks before any guest arrived and by the time the real party started they would be already tipsy, but this time Dean was there and Castiel had promised to get him home back in time.

Balthazar joined them a few minutes later. The three kids were talking non-stop about the game, then the party, then gossiping like they always did, Castiel used to partake in that conversations although on a much lesser involvement than the rest, but this time he wasn’t talking much, noticing how purposely they excluded Dean from their circle.

“I better take off,” Dean finally said just loud enough for Cas to hear it but the rest of them did too. He needed to get back by the time Bobby got back home and these guys didn’t seem to be willing to give him a ride back.

Castiel felt bad about his friends’ behavior, he was expecting less reluctance to take Dean in but he knew it was asking too much of them. He was the one to invite Dean and it was up to him to get him back, “I’ll go with you.”

The talking noises stopped, Balthazar threw a confused look between Dean and Cas but got a tentative pat on the shoulder by Uriel. Rachel had to intervene of course “There’s burgers and fries waiting, Castiel.”

That offer wasn’t tempting enough, that was the routine, he already knew what it was to hang out with them and he felt suddenly asphyxiated by it. Dean was novelty and Castiel found himself preferring to walk with him, so he pouted “Maybe another day.”

“Dude I can take care of myself,” Dean complained noticing the disappointment in the faces of Castiel’s friends.

“You don’t know the way,” Castiel said firmly to point out his decision was final.

“Alright Cassy, see you tonight,” Balthazar said before grabbing the keys from Uriel and walking towards the driver’s seat.

After the most awkward goodbye Castiel ever had to share with his friends, they drove away leaving him and Dean alone. “They could’ve offered us a ride,” Dean joked.

Castiel looked at Dean after a short laugh for that comment, “Are you sure you wanted to spend another fifteen minutes in a car with them?” and raised his eyebrows in a sarcastic interrogation.

Dean nodded a knowingly gesture, “Touché.”

 

* * *

 

Bobby took them ironically to the shopping center in the direction Dean was told; the boys needed more clothes but nothing in the shops matched their style, it was all shirts that Dean thought made you look either gay or with a stick up your ass. No plaids or leather jackets or anything without ridiculous patterns. The closest he got to anything near his style were a couple of tank tops and jeans that didn’t look like they were harrowed by a pit bull. Sam was the same but he was actually on board of taking a few shirts to change his wardrobe a little bit. Luckily they moved on quickly to pick backpacks and notebooks for school.

“Who’s Castiel?” Sam asked amused when Dean told them he was invited to a party.

“That kid again?” Bobby grumbled.

“I didn’t say I was going… and he didn’t seem to want me to go anyway,” from the look in Castiel’s face when he asked, he looked indecisive, which Dean assumed as being obliged instead of actually wanting.

Sam had just started middle school, so he didn’t know much about partying, but he thought Dean would never refuse to one “Why not?”

“You haven’t looked around yet, Sammy, these kids…”

Bobby didn’t say anything because he actually agreed with Dean, if it wasn’t for the great pay and the dreaming house he had, he would’ve moved out of there years ago, but now he had grown accustomed to that place. “Look, the best way to have it easy here is to blend in. Now don’t get your panties in a knot and go.”

“But who’s Castiel?” Sam repeated, enthusiastic about his brother making friends so fast.

“Just a guy, lives next door.”

“And how did you two meet?” Sam asked, not even aware of how Dean had the time to meet with someone.

“Yeah Dean, how?” Bobby intervened with a devious smirk on his face; he was the one who saw them talking early in the morning the first night Dean was there. Even though he was curious he never asked… until now.

Dean of course didn’t like to be the center of attention in that conversation, let aside when it had to do with a kid he barely knew “We just did. Can we go now?” he said as he grabbed a few pens and a random notebook and shoved them in the cart.

“And why don’t you want to go to the party?” Sam asked still curious.

“Oh shut up,” he really wasn’t going to talk about the dirty looks he have already gotten in the first 2 days they’ve been there.

“Jerk,” Sam said jokingly irritated.

“Bitch,” Dean replied with the same tone.

“Okay you two, let’s grab a bite,” Bobby said after a second, glad to leave the shopping center just as much as the boys. Anytime he could avoid going there was a blessing.

During their meal, Dean eating the smallest burger he’d ever seen and Sam having the biggest salad, Bobby had a more serious talk with them.

John and Mary didn’t leave a will so the boys’ future was still undecided. Bobby had the chance to get a temporary permission to take custody of them as tutor, but they still needed to go to trial in a few months to have a judge decide if they were sent under Bobby’s legal care or sent to an orphanage. Dean was already thinking of delaying that for as long as possible until he was legally an adult to get the tutor title of Sam so they didn’t separate them. His birthday was yet several months away though, and it put a not-so-subtle stress to Dean. Bobby told them that as long as they assisted school without getting into trouble and got good grades, the state wouldn’t be able to take them away from him, it all depended on them. So they made the deal to stay away from problems. How hard could it be?.

The road back home was filled with Sam asking about school and what assignments they imparted and what clubs they had for him to join, Bobby answering all the questions as best as he could, glad to see at least one of the boys interested in what their lives with him would give them. Dean on the other hand had his mind drifting back to his parents. What his mom would do if she was still around and his father being firm and not letting him go to the party; he couldn’t help but miss them as a family and not the down-road that led him there. He was thankful to Bobby for taking them in of course, but now Dean had to go to school instead of finding a job to help John with the house expenses or buy Sammy clothes and food. He didn’t think he could do that, this new life, it wasn’t for him for so many reasons.

They got home one hour away from Dean’s appointment to meet with Castiel and go to the stupid party, time enough for him to decide whether or not to go and take a shower in case he chose to. The first 10 minutes were spent on his bed, staring at the ceiling with AC/DC filling up his room to mute the sounds of Sam and Bobby doing their own stuff, oblivious to Dean’s dilemma because Castiel’s face could be seen randomly on the whiteness of his room; the way he smiled at Dean or even his serious face when he stared. Just because Dean didn’t like to talk about stuff didn’t mean he stopped thinking and over-thinking about it. In this particular case he was pondering the reason why in only two days he’s been gravitating towards Cas in such an easy way, and more alarmingly he questioned the other’s interest in him.

“And?” came a voice from the door of his room.

Dean sat up, resting his weight on his elbows to stare at his little brother walking in, “And what?”

“Are you going or not?” Sam asked as he approached to sit by the foot of the bed.

Dean took advantage of that position to kick him playfully on the side “Shut up,” it was his habitual answer when he didn’t know the answer himself.

“Why are you even thinking about it, it’s just a party.”

Dean didn’t say anything to that, it was true, this was just a party and it was his element… and yet…

“Is it because of this Castiel?” Sam asked more invasive than before, but he knew only him could go that far with Dean.

“What about him?” Dean asked in return to play dumb.

“I don’t know, you tell me. What’s going on with you two?”

“I just met the guy!” Dean answered with a louder voice than he meant, mostly to reassure himself it was stupid to feel like a teenage girl having a crush. Which he totally wasn’t. “He’s weird, okay? and his friends hate me,” he finally admitted.

Sam laughed but not at his brother, he just found it hilarious that something like that was now bothering Dean “When did that ever stop you?”

Dean chuckled, there it was his little brother thinking Dean was the coolest guy on earth. “I bet their music suck, and the booze must be some processed shit that tastes like piss,” if only to have an excuse not to go.

“Dean,” Sam said with his classic ironical face of his that always pulled an eye roll from his brother, but it was all it took for Dean to shake his head with a sigh and get up to go shower.

Back at the shopping center, Dean picked up a shirt behind Sam’s back; his brother and Bobby noticed but didn’t seem to point it out, considering both of them already knew Dean was attending the party and wanted to have at least some resemblance of high-class junior boy like everyone around there. So he picked that shirt and one of the new pair of jeans he bought along with a light gray blazer that fitted him just perfectly; he didn’t look bad at all if he could say so himself, might as well blend in with the rest in the party. When he came downstairs, Bobby and Sam exchanged a meaningful look but Dean shut them up before any of them could say anything and then went outside to meet with Castiel at their spot. The corner of the hedgerow between their houses.

Castiel didn’t look any different than he did, except he looked like he had been rocking that style for years while Dean could be seen slightly uncomfortable in that attire, like a man on a suit for the first time in his life. The blue eyed guy was already waiting there, it had taken him less time to get ready since he was anxiously expecting that party unlike any other, simply because the new guy was probably attending too. When Cas invited Dean he hesitated only because of what Rachel could do to diminish him, she was one of the popular girls at school and everyone seemed to follow her like a hoard of zombies, turning whatever she said into law, so if she begun hating on Dean, everyone would be against him at his very first day at school. Castiel would have to talk to her as soon as they got to the party to stop her from that.

“I was starting to think you were not coming,” Castiel spoke once Dean was standing next to him.

“Makes two of us,” Dean admitted rubbing the back of his neck.

“You look good,” and it was impossible not to notice those blue eyes scanning Dean up and down.

Dean didn’t feel uncomfortable receiving that look, to his surprise, and for some reason he couldn’t take that compliment with a snarky reply as usual so instead he changed topics “What are we waiting for?” he knew the answer but feared it.

Castiel felt slightly ashamed for having to ride with Balthazar to the party but there was really no other choice, “Waiting for my friends.”

“Don’t you have a car?” he asked not caring to hide his disapproval for having to jump in a car that he wasn’t exactly welcomed in.

Castiel shifted his face, made his shame more evident now by averting his eyes to avoid eye contact “I’m not allowed to drive unless it’s an emergency.”

“What?… why?”

“It’s… a long story,” Castiel admitted while turning his gaze back to Dean. Casually he popped his cigarette pack out to take one and offering one to Dean who took it gladly without getting his eyes off Castiel, wordlessly asking to keep going. “I got a few infractions for driving under the influence,” he said after lighting up his cigarette and handing the lighter to the other guy “They revoked my permit.”

“You’re a criminal,” Dean said laughing, only to lighten up the obvious tension in Castiel.

“I’m far from it,” Castiel said defensively before noticing the joke. “I just have made mistakes.”

“Like everyone.”

Castiel tilted his head at the tone Dean used. “Does that mean you’ve been arrested before?”

Dean laughed briefly, “Not for driving drunk… but yeah.” It wasn’t the best story to tell; some jerks use their own experiences as a leverage to get the bad boy image to pick up girls, but Dean didn’t need that lousy resort to get laid, so he never talked about it… until now. And why was he actually saying it out loud? Is not like he was proud of his record. He laughed again at himself. This was the first time he said he’d been arrested, to anyone outside his family. Cas seemed to have that effect on him.

“So **you**  are the criminal,” Cas used Dean’s joke against him.

Dean laughed but let the topic of his crimes (they were minor anyway, not like he had killed anyone) and turned the conversation back to Castiel’s driving issues. “You just need to learn how not to get caught.”

Cas looked intrigued with that statement, and tilted his head questioningly, “How?”

Dean made a thinking gesture. “Well, for starters you don’t drive through the main roads. Always take shortcuts through minor streets. And around 2 in the morning, the fuzz won’t be so alert.” He explained like he knew what he was talking about; honestly it was just common sense, which made him think he was just rambling nonsense but Castiel was doing that thing where he looked like he was listening the best tale of his life… and as awkward as Dean considered it, it made him feel… special.

“Maybe it should be wiser if you drove us to the party,” Cas conceded seriously.

“Nah, I don’t have a car anymore…” Dean paused to remember the last time he saw the Impala; the hood was crushed, the steering blown, the engine wrecked beyond repair, and no need to talk about the board; it was all a piece of junk by now.

“What happened?” Cas inquired with a curious frown plastered across his forehead.

And Dean couldn’t just shrug it off this time. He was almost hypnotized into answering honestly. “A crash,” and it was sad to say he was almost mad at John for that. The Impala was like a family jewel that ever since he was a kid and his fascination for cars begun to develop, became a treasure to him that he expected to inherit one day. That dream was now screwed because he didn’t have the money to get the car out of the junkyard, let aside get the spare parts to fix it back to new.

“You crashed it?” Cas looked a bit worried now, not for the car but to the idea of Dean getting injured in the accident. But Dean was not ready to talk about his father, so he just shook his head with clenched teeth, and Cas took the hint to stop asking.

By the time they finished their smoke, Balthazar’s car showed up from the side of the road that Cas once told Dean was the way towards the “numbered streets” so the older Winchester was starting to make his assumptions about Balthazar not being exactly part of the high-class society after all, which meant there was no reason why he couldn’t join in too. However, the Chevy Silverado pushed that thought away, it was brand new, shiny and polished with expensive audio system that Dean couldn’t even fathom the cost of, tinted windows, a monster, and Dean liked it despite not being part of his list of classic muscle cars. Dean hopped on reluctantly, already feeling the coarse looks at him from the front seats, thankfully Cas was back there with him too.

But then the unexpected happened when Uriel and Balthazar greeted them gleefully, taking them both off guard and bringing a frown to their faces.

“Are you drunk?” Cas asked, already knowing the answer since it was expected for them to have had drinks while helping Rachel. Just not enough to get them drunk.

“When are we ever?” Uriel replied with a mocking serious tone that sounded just as deep as Castiel’s.

Thankfully they both seemed to ignore their previous dislike for Dean since this time they included him in their conversations too, cars, sports, guy stuff that Castiel was honestly not very well versed in. Dean on the other hand felt less aggravated than when he entered the car, and once Uriel handed them a bottle of beer, Dean drank without questioning. Castiel despite not being immersed in the jovial talk, was smiling all the way because of how easily Dean seemed to get along with his friends which in his eyes was already a win. He only interceded occasionally when they tried to make fun of one or other thing about Castiel’s quirks to make Dean laugh, like older brothers trying to embarrass him in front of a girlfriend. It was working only partially because Dean was indeed laughing though he didn’t do it in a purposely derisive way, just playfully taking in every bit of information about Castiel as much as he could.

Rachel’s house was big like every other house in the neighborhood although it was slightly bigger than Bobby’s, and just as impressive to Dean whose idea of a house was two floors if lucky, two or three bedrooms top, plus a large room that worked as both living and dinning room together. These houses had a bathroom with the size of one of the bedrooms Dean was used to, which just made him feel more out of place. Nevertheless, once they got inside he felt more at ease hearing loud music filling the room, people drinking and dancing to the beat, and a few others laid down on the couch of the living room sniffing powder from the coffee table. It wasn’t exactly what Dean pictured from one of the high-class parties but at least it wasn’t unfamiliar to him.

Balthazar and Uriel walked away to greet other people while Castiel tugged Dean’s wrist once to gesture towards the terrace that had a view to the ocean. The beach was a small walking distance from the house and Cas was pretty sure a guy like Dean from Kansas wouldn’t know the beach. But they got halted several times on the way out by people that stopped to greet and hug Castiel, none of them really paying attention to Dean except for a few girls that eyed him like a piece of meat. Dean of course smirked back at them with the same lascivious looks, flirting with the eyes as he was used to. That action didn’t go unnoticed by Castiel who, after having three girls approaching to ask about his friend, left him alone to have his way with any of them.

Had it been any other occasion, Dean would have picked a girl and sweet talk her to get her in bed, but for some reason it felt wrong this time when Castiel was there. Dean felt strangely unable to play his game as usual. That was of course until he saw Castiel talking to Rachel, and her obvious insinuations to him, the lingering touches to his arms, or the closeness when she tried to talk to him that had their faces too close for his own good. Dean could only get jealous when he had a girlfriend he cared about too much to leave, which had only happened once if he was honest, and even then he wasn’t the insecure, clingy, obsessive type about it. This time however, he felt specially uncomfortable when Rachel finally leaned in and kissed Castiel, even more when the guy instead of pulling away, kissed her back. It made him feel adrift, like Cas had just pushed him off a cliff because he had better things to do (read: better ways to put his mouth to work than talking all night with Dean). So he shrugged it off like it didn’t bother him and did what any teenager like Dean would do at a party, grab a cup to pour himself a beer, confident that the girl next to the barrels was going to fall for him instantly.

And he wasn’t wrong.

Several drinks later, he had her against the kitchen counter, kissing her as hungrily as he always did in parties like that with girls that were just enough sober for him not to feel guilty, he wasn’t taking advantage after all, and it had been enough days without getting laid so he deserved it.

At some point they made their way out of the crowd and headed upstairs as fast as they could manage without taking their hands off each other, up to the first empty room they could find. She pushed Dean inside and closed the door behind her; she was a gorgeous girl (one of the few things Dean liked about this place because everyone looked like taken out of a magazine) but still… Dean wasn’t exactly thinking about just fucking her, it was to prove himself that he wasn’t jealous of Castiel kissing someone. His shirt fell to the ground quickly before she made him sit at the edge of the bed and straddling him, rubbing her hips on his crotch while she unbuttoned her own blouse. Dean only had time to stare at the girl stripping on top of him and mindlessly undoing her bra, when someone knocked the door open.

The girl leaped off his lap, allowing Dean to see a bulky guy approaching them with fury in his eyes. Great, she had a boyfriend who was now aiming at him while the girl kept going with empty apologies and endless “I can explain” comments. But guys like that never dealt with cheating girls first and Dean knew it, they went for the guy who was fondling their women. So he stood up ready for the fight that was coming over, buckling his belt first (the girl skillfully managed to undo in their heated wanting movements). The girl rushed out of the room, leaving them alone.

“Look man I don’t want any trouble,” Dean tried to reason while still being prepared to dodge a punch and reciprocate if such case arouse.

“Already got one,” the guy grunted before launching himself at Dean. Fist first.

They rolled on the floor a few times, punches landing everywhere, the floor, the bed frame, their faces, their stomachs. Dean wasn’t a wimp and despite being remarkably less muscular than the other, he had the upper hand after a few minutes. Then something crossed his mind at that moment, Bobby’s voice for them not to get into trouble resonated inside his brain, and he stopped punching, giving the other guy a small threshold to get back at him.

“Stop it!” a girl’s voice came from the entrance of the room before a few other guys lunged inside to separate them, Castiel among them got a hold of Dean to pull him back and calm him down on their way out of the room and downstairs into the living room. It wasn’t hard to calm him down, considering Dean was already giving up because of Bobby’s warning.

“What happened?” Castiel asked as he settled Dean on the couch and voicing at someone to get him some cotton and ice.

“What do you think?” Dean replied, still angry at everything “Your stupid party.”

“Hey,” Cas tried to get him to look at him, maybe that would help him calm down but Dean kept avoiding eye contact. “Dean…”

“What?” Dean yelled, shoving Castiel’s hand away when he tried to clean his bloody face. He regretted listening to Castiel about the party, and he was trying to stay angry at him for getting him into this but he couldn’t, it was Dean who got together with the girl and Cas didn’t really have anything to do with it.

Castiel waited a few seconds for Dean’s anger to calm down, just staring at him with worried eyes. He crouched in front of him to be at eye level but Dean had his face turned away “Are you going to let me help you or not?” Castiel replied, this time calmed instead of worried. Making Dean finally meet his eyes.

“You’ve done enough,” he said instinctively because the adrenaline inside him wasn’t letting him think before speaking, but even if he wasn’t hyper on anger and testosterone he wouldn’t have accepted help from Castiel, who was now trying again to wipe the blood off his face. “Just leave me alone.”

The silence extended a minute longer while Castiel tried to figure out what Dean meant by that, knowing it was pointless to try to reason with him in this state of anger. He didn’t move away until he decided to take his eyes off of Dean for a second and noticed a small crowd of people circling them and staring awkwardly. He stood up when he decided to leave Dean alone for a while, then the girl who ran to get him the cotton and ice returned with a small tray with the stuff on it. Castiel nodded and thanked her mutedly, she nodded back and got back to her drinks while Cas put the tray on the table in front of Dean. He opened his mouth to say something but Dean was still at the verge of exploding in rage against him if anything else was told, so he just sighed tiredly, gulped ashamed and walked away.

 

It had been only after Cas saw Dean mentally undressing some girls that he figured he should let his friend have fun, it was a party after all and despite his own desire of spending it talking to Dean, maybe the other guy had his own things in mind. Castiel was no one to stop him from achieving them. He went to speak with Rachel only to ask her not to trash about Dean when they got into school the next Monday, which she quickly agreed to, but the conversation turned awkward once she started touching him again, she always did that when she had enough drinks on her, making more evident her crush on him which he found uncomfortable.

“Are you going to dance with me now?” Rachel asked drunkenly, already dancing on her own place.

“Okay,” Castiel agreed only because he made her a promise, and because Rachel had already agreed not to make a living hell for Dean at school. It was a small price to pay for it.

They swung their bodies only a few times before Rachel was already leaning in closer, Castiel dodged her out of reflex.

“Am I not good enough for you?” her words sounded slippery because of the alcohol, but not any less angry than any hurt girl. “What? do I need to have a dick for you to like me?” she asked raising the volume.

Castiel looked around nervously, hoping no one heard her, which apparently didn’t happen, but his eyes remained jittery when they turned back to stare at Rachel, “What are you talking about?”

Rachel turned her head enough to look at the new guy at the center of the room, looking as clueless as a lost puppy trying to loom up from the crowd to find someone. Most likely Castiel. “What do you see in him?”

He didn’t have to turn around in the direction her eyes were pointing to know she meant Dean. It was a good question though, what did he see in him? Castiel knew the answer but Rachel wouldn’t understand, nor did he want to explain himself to her. “I’m dancing with you,” he tried to turn her attention back to them and hopefully drop the topic at the same time he grabbed the beer from her hand to sip on it and stop her from drinking more.

“Kiss me,” she said when her eyes landed back on his.

“Why?” he asked trying to look clueless but it only got her angry.

“You’re not gay are you?” she asked jokingly but Castiel felt it personal. If he was already uncomfortable, that question got him even more. Rachel didn’t seem to notice that though, so he shook his head silently. “Then kiss me.”

Without any further notice she leaned in to make the first move since Castiel wasn’t going to do it. He hesitated for a minute. It wasn’t the first time that question had popped up in his head through his life, there had been times when he considered the possibility but it was very confusing, how was he supposed to know? There was no one who could guide him through it and tell him square in the face that he was indeed gay. All he had was his own experience about finding men attractive over women but he knew what this society’s standards where, despite being a high class place and thus supposedly more educated, they were conservative regarding certain topics (for the sake of not saying stubborn), sexuality being one of them and Castiel had seen what happened to those who openly admitted their orientation. They all lost their reputation and with that, their jobs, their houses, their money… their lives; and had to start over from scratch. It was probably very shallow to rely on his material possessions and the money he had from his father but the thought of losing it all was more terrifying. He couldn’t let anyone think he was gay and risk getting the same banish, so he kissed her back to try and prove himself once again that he was straight. Until Rachel tried to open his mouth and lick his lips in an attempt to deepen the kiss. He pulled back. He couldn’t stop thinking about the few times he had been with a girl and wishing things were different, not sure exactly different how but certainly not like that; and right there with Rachel pulling him closer he realized how.

He was thinking about Dean.

He pulled away from her and tried to tell her they should wait for them to be sober to do it, it wasn’t right when they were both drunk. It was a lie of course because that occasion was not going to happen and he wasn’t drunk at all but Rachel was pleased to have finally kissed Castiel and didn’t notice the lying expressions in his face so she nodded and they kept dancing.

The song changed and Cas was ready to get himself a glass but Rachel was latched to his shoulders and he couldn’t get away yet. At least until Balthazar came to the rescue and leaned to whisper a “May I steal him from you for a second?” Rachel hesitantly moved away and another girl came in to distract her. Thank god. Balthazar wrapped an arm around Castiel to lead him to the minibar. “I thought I’d never see the day,” he teased once the music volume allowed them to speak without yelling.

Castiel grabbed the blender to pour himself a margarita, he looked around the room. Dean wasn’t anywhere to find, and with a defeated sigh he admitted “I was kind of hoping that day would never come.”

Balthazar knew Castiel better than anyone, and could tell by the look in his eyes that the kiss had been more of a compromise than an actual whim, “Why? She’s pretty, and head over heels for you.”

“I’m not interested,” Cas answered before chugging his drink. Too much juice and very little tequila for his taste.

“You should tell her that.” Because Balth was very well aware of Castiel’s disinterest in her, but he liked to tease him every now and again.

“I don’t know how to do it without making her feel offended.”

“You got your eye on anyone else or…” Then a girl came down the stairs shouting for help with a fight on a room. Something inside Castiel’s brain quickly provided a concerned ‘Dean’. And he rushed towards the stairs with a couple of other guys. And Balthazar had an answer.

Balthazar watched from afar as his best friend sat Dean Winchester on a couch, it was humorous to see them interact with each other. In his eyes they looked like a steady couple, the alpha male getting into fights and the passive Castiel licking his wounds for him with the devotion of a fool in love, and for as much as Balthazar didn’t buy Dean’s straight act, he could see certain conflict –that he took note to use as teasing later on–. He saw as the new guy acted all tough and disinterested in Castiel, only to have the blue-eyed guy walk away like a kicked dog back to the minibar where Balth was waiting for him to return.

“Your hairless ape got into his first zoo fight I see,” he told Castiel once the guy grabbed another drink, this time Castiel needed true alcohol instead of that light drinks he’d been having all night.

“Not now,” he replied both sad and angry while he grabbed a glass from Rachel’s cupboard and poured neat Brandy in it. It wasn’t the first time Castiel drank neat alcohol so the burning liquor passed his throat with no problem.

“Might want to ease down, Cassy,” Balthazar warned, knowing Castiel’s issues with alcohol.

“He’s mad at me and I don’t know why,” he admitted after his third sip, ignoring his friend’s warning, the Brandy making his deep voice raspier.

Balthazar chuckled to himself and shrugged, “I don’t know, he might be the jealous type.”

Castiel looked at him baffled by that statement, what did it have to do with anything? Then he remembered Rachel’s kiss and sighed irritated. “Very unlikely,” he asserted with an offended tone once he understood what Balthazar was talking about. The following words _‘Dean is straight’_  never left his mouth.

“Well I don’t see any other reason, you peaches where just fine back in the car.”

“What do you mean?” he asked Balthazar, afraid that he was probably suspecting something about Castiel and his attraction to Dean. Playing dumb wasn’t his forte though but he couldn’t afford losing Balthazar’s friendship.

“Cassy, it’s me,” Balthazar told him nonchalantly, pointing at himself with the hand that had his drink.

“Yes… so?”

“You like him, don’t you?”

Cas licked his lips nervously, something that he probably picked on from Dean’s reaction when they stared too deeply, “S-sure… he’s a congenial man,” he said, taking advantage of the ambiguity of the question.

“No, I mean… you **like**  him” the emphasis making obvious what Balthazar meant, and leaving Castiel no way out with subtlety.

Luckily for him, his attention had been focused on the couch were Dean was sitting, cleaning himself with the stuff Cas left for him, so he noticed when the guy stood up and headed towards the door. With a lesser goodbye than a rushed “be right back,” Castiel left his drink and Balthazar behind to catch up with Dean before he could get out of the house.

“Dean wait,” Castiel called for him when they were both outside but the other guy didn’t stop.

Dean wasn’t infuriated any more but he felt stupid for ever considering going to that party, he wanted nothing but to leave now.

“Dean!” Castiel yelled now irritated by the man’s indifference, catching up with him and grabbing his arm.

Dean shook the hand off without uttering a word and kept walking. Where? he didn’t know, the town was still unknown territory and he couldn’t exactly remember the route back to Bobby’s house but anywhere was better than back inside that house full of pretentious kids who were just as screwed as any other in the lower neighbors, and much more problematic than them too. Dean didn’t need any of that, not with their custody at stake. “I said leave me alone,” he finally said when he thought he was a couple more steps ahead from Castiel.

“Why are you angry at me?” the hurt in his voice wasn’t as evident as it should have, at least not for other people but Dean had been too attentive to his voice, the gruff tone had lowered a few octaves and he noticed.

“Why?” Dean repeated angrily, turning back to face Castiel with something new building up inside him, somewhere between ire and resentment. Cas was the first one to cause trouble to him by passing out drunk, by taking him to the water polo game and getting people starting to dislike him and now a fight at a party. “Because I don’t need any of this!”

Castiel understood what he meant. While he was usually a clueless boy that needed some explicit pointers in conversations, it was different with Dean, he understood what the other guy was talking about or at least he thought. His face showed his sorrow through the bright blue eyes, Castiel never meant to cause him trouble starting up with the whole sleeping drunk on his bed the first night Dean got there… but if he was honest, he never asked for any of that either, it wasn’t his fault that Dean got involved, so he didn’t apologize.

Dean took Castiel’s silence as his queue to leave but he couldn’t move away while Castiel was staring at him like that, just as hopeful as when he invited him to the game. He made a face and looked away because that was stupid “I don’t expect you to understand,” he said with a much calmer voice.

“Your brother,” Castiel murmured in understanding. It wasn’t precisely a question in spite of the tone used, more like an unsure summarize of his thoughts into one single phrase that made Dean feel like the other guy was reading his mind.

That was Dean’s life, taking responsibilities that were not supposed to be his and taking careful steps on every decision because he had a brother to look after, Dean had someone who depended on him one way or another, he grew up to that, and getting into the whole high-school drama that Cas was bringing was not part of the plan to keep his brother with him. It made him feel tied up at times, that his life was bound to the one responsibility he couldn’t, and at some level didn’t want to, give up on. Dean shook his head, unsure of how much time he spent quiet and began to walk backwards to get away from Castiel.

“Will you let me take you home?” Castiel asked, noticing the end of the conversation because if there was something he learned instantly about Dean was his reluctance in talking about personal topics.

“I thought you were not allowed to drive,” Dean said with a renewed mood trying to get back to the surface. Fucking Castiel, where did he learn how to to calm him down?

Castiel looked at the watch on his wrist, 2 a.m., “Someone taught me how not to get caught,” he referred to what Dean had said to him before the party.

Dean finally let his anger slip away and nodded, Castiel smiled and spoke a quick “wait here,” before going inside the house to grab the keys of the first car he could borrow. Balthazar wouldn’t hand the keys because he and Uriel had to drive back home, and following that conclusion no one else would. Except for Rachel who wouldn’t have to drive anywhere, so after a bit of a struggle and a short discussion, got the keys to her car with the promise to bring it back the next day without a scratch.

When he got back outside, Dean was still standing there with the pack of cigarettes he casually snatched from Castiel’s jacket without his consent; Cas just looked surprised of his thievery skills and complained briefly before guiding him to Rachel’s car. Dean preferred not to ask whose car was it, knowing the answer wasn’t going to make it feel any better so he just jumped inside the passenger seat without further questions.

Maybe Dean wasn’t aware of the road back home but he could tell they were not taking the right route, for a second he looked concerned that maybe Castiel was too drunk to drive and was heading somewhere randomly so he dared asking “Where are you going?”

Cas granted a simple “Trust me,” which didn’t tell Dean much, but despite everything, Dean wanted to trust him, so he shut up and sat back to enjoy the beach displayed on his window.

“Have you ever been to the beach?” Castiel asked when he noticed how his copilot was looking around confused. Dean was starting to think maybe Castiel hadn’t drink anything at all considering how well he drove but that question out of the blue made him think otherwise.

“How much did you drink?” he asked jokingly but Castiel was being serious and he could tell. “Uh… no, never,” he didn’t need to be a genius to know where this was going.

“Okay,” Castiel said with mild excitement and drove to the piers.

Even that place looked classy, Dean always figured the word ‘Pier’ described rotten wood, fishing boats, pirates and/or nasty sailors, but the scene was very different. They didn’t get all the way to the piers though, there was a parking lot on the side of the road that was two steps away from the beach, and as soon as Castiel parked, he got out of the car, Dean had no option but to follow. “You have to take your clothes off,” Castiel said once they were standing in the sand, the shoreline was still a few steps away and all Dean could hear was the water heaving up and down.

“You really are drunk,” Dean laughed and kept his gaze focused on the beach. Even when the weather wasn’t exactly cold, he could bet all his money that the water was freezing and yet it caused him curiosity to get inside.

“I ingested a minimum amount of alcohol, insufficient to besot me.” By then, Cas was already barefooted and his shoes were tossed next to the car.

Dean was starting to get used to Castiel’s word usage, to like it even, so he just laughed more. “Why don’t you go first?”

Castiel narrowed his eyes at Dean’s suggestion, and after a few seconds of contemplating, he began undoing his pants and shirt.

“Wait I didn-” Dean tried to complain but half sentence through, Castiel was pulling down his own pants. Dean watched the tight black boxers that framed the firm set of legs, muscular enough to make a jogger’s body, hairless pale skin, marked calfs… okay so maybe he was looking way too much, but Castiel overcame the bit of shyness that got him blushing while unbuttoning his shirt. Thankfully the dim moonlight didn’t allow Dean to watch the red tone of Castiel’s cheeks or else he would’ve turned around and walked back to the car. If Dean was waiting for a clear sign that Castiel was gay and had an interest in him, this was it. Most straight guys would have felt awkward when another guy asked them to take their clothes off, but there was something about the way Castiel looked at him, it was friendly and somehow soothing instead of the invasive and hungry eyes one would expect from a crush. So Dean nervously followed the example and took his own clothes off, leaving nothing but his loose boxers.

During the half an hour they spent at the beach, Dean forgot he ever had any problems in that town, he let himself forget there were people waiting for him to get back home, forget this town hadn’t been welcoming to him, even allowed himself forget about John and Mary. All of it because Castiel was there, splashing water playfully in his direction. Meanwhile, Castiel let himself forget about his own restrictions in town and how his image would get affected if he was seen with another man playing in the water like that, forget about Rachel practically calling him out, Balthazar’s suspicions. It was just them, alone and happy in the water, only for a moment.

 

* * *

 

The first month of school wasn’t smooth for Dean, Rachel kept his promise to not throw dirt his way but the scene of the fight at the party was the topic of the week and made him leave an unfavorable impression on a lot of people. The good part of it all was that his classes had been assigned along with Castiel for the most part, except for three or maybe four periods during the whole week. It was better for Dean anyway, to start with at least someone on his side… the wrong part was the way they interacted; Castiel tended to invade his personal space every now and then and despite Dean’s insistence on explaining why it wasn’t right to get so damn close to someone, Cas seemed to forget eventually and repeat it. On the other hand Dean found himself staring too much, even when Castiel wasn’t looking at him, at least until he realized he had spend more than a minute just looking at Castiel’s profile and brought his eyes back to his notebook or the blackboard. Then there was the meeting at either of their lockers to walk together to the next class, or Castiel at the bleachers of the soccer court after Dean joined the team, or sitting at the same table during lunch time. They certainly spent a lot of time together.

It was Friday finally and everything had gone well except for Dean’s mind struggling to convince itself that he did not have crush on Castiel. It was hard to achieve when they lived across from each other and whenever Dean agreed to take a swim with his brother at Bobby’s pool, Cas was in his room, painting or listening to music and thanks to the height difference from their houses, Cas’ window was at a similar level than Bobby’s pool, they could watch each other despite of how much distance there was between both houses. Even Sam noticed the lingering eye contact when Dean turned towards that window even if the curtains were closed. It was only expected to have the younger Winchester come that day into Dean’s room when dinner was over, and after he finished his homework, advancing work so he could have the weekend off unlike Dean who procrastinated until the last minute.

“When am I going to meet him?” Sam asked as he got inside the room.

“Who?” Dean asked, completely unaware.

“Castiel,” Sam said firmly, as if it was obvious who he meant to.

“Why, you like him or something?” Dean joked, regretting instantly his poor choice of words.

“No no, I don’t touch your stuff,” Sam replied with a laugh.

Dean quickly changed his mood, “He’s not mine.”

Sam looked confused, he thought Dean was dating Castiel, but if that was the case then Dean wouldn’t have been this defensive “Really? I thought you two..” it was a serious question now. Dean could tell.

“What? No! Fuck off Sammy… he’s a guy,” Dean replied, once again trying to convince himself more than convince Sam.

“Yeah I noticed, so what?”

“So… I’m not… we’re not,” Dean stammered only because he didn’t want to have that kind of conversation with his little brother.

Sam hadn’t gone into the whole dating thing and Dean had a past with only girls, but even if Sam was not entirely aware of sexuality, the innocence of a kid told him that love was love, regardless of the gender and didn’t really care of who Dean was sleeping with as long as they made him smile. Dean had different ideas.

“Do you not like him?” Sam sat on the bed, Dean kicked him on the side again like he always did when he felt uncomfortable with a topic, and this was particularly uncomfortable.

“Shouldn’t you be working on a project or something?” A classic evasive.

“I already finished,” Sam said proudly, “So is that a no?”

“Never said that,” Dean replied nonchalantly, trying really hard not to give into the whole touchy feeling conversation Sam had a thing for.

“So you do like him.”

“It’s none of your business dude.” But truly, he wasn’t denying it out loud.

“I’m just saying… you always stare at his window, you’ve gone out with him to eat at least twice a week and you never told me what happened at the party,” the night that had Dean smiling for a few days afterwards, more than any other party before in spite of the split lip and bruise on one of his cheeks. “I’m just…” curious to say the least, and glad to see his brother smile.

“Nothing happened, we’re friends and that’s it. Happy?”

Sam wasn’t going to leave it there though, the only time he had seen his brother being truly happy was when he was with Lisa back home and it was pretty obvious with the way he always smiled through the day no matter how drunk their father got, Dean couldn’t hide his smile because he had Lisa and she made him happy through his shitty life, and that smile made Sam happy too, who had grown up to see how much their father’s choices affected Dean.

“I will be when I get to meet him.”

“Then be unhappy for the rest of your life ‘cause it ain’t happenin’,” Dean said bitterly.

“Dean, I see the way he makes you smile. It’s like when you were wit-”

“Don’t even say it,” that topic was off limits, and now Dean was genuinely pissed.

Sam lifted his hands defeated and stood up “There’s nothing wrong with it, you know?” he finally said before Dean picked up his shoe and threatened to throw it at him. Making the younger boy storm out with a chuckle.

Dean was always affected by what his brother told him, he had a weird way of getting to him that while it didn’t always show up at the moment, eventually did. This time it wasn’t the feeling Sam wanted to inflict though, Dean wasn’t thinking about Castiel now, he was missing Lisa and the way she made him feel, like something was at least normal in his life and helping him cope with his father’s irresponsibility or the weight of taking care of Sam or doing random small jobs to help getting money for the little things Sam wanted and John couldn’t afford, it was too much for a teenager to carry and Lisa made it easier. Admittedly close enough to what Cas made him feel at the beach, but Lisa had a more permanent effect so it weighed more… plus Lisa gave him sex, something Dean didn’t want to even think about with Castiel. Except he already had done that once or twice after he saw Cas semi-naked, which made him shake his head and splash his face with wet water to slap his brain for considering that.

Soon enough he knew what he wanted to do. Meet up with Lisa and check if the spark was still there if only for a moment, make him feel like his old self instead of what he was becoming around Castiel. It probably wasn’t fair to Lisa, but it was something Dean had to do. He went downstairs and talked to Bobby about it, asking for permission (and some money) to go on a trip back to Kansas. It was barely afternoon so he could hit the road, get a room on his way there and arrive first thing in the morning. Bobby asked for some questions about it before he let him go, thank God Bobby was very understanding with Dean and just enough strict to ask him to be back in time not to miss classes on Monday.

 

* * *

 

Friday night, it was the beginning of the weekend which meant alcohol and loud music for Castiel and Balthazar. Little did he know that the plans that night were different when his car curbed in front of Castiel and Balthazar drove them to the pier for a meal just the two of them. Cas should’ve known it was iffy when Uriel didn’t come along too because that only happened when Balthazar had something very important to talk about and it was never good for Castiel. The first week of school, his evasions worked just fine in regarding Dean Winchester, the british boy asked a lot of questions that Cas answered partially, dubiously or didn’t answer at all and after so many failed attempts, Balthazar stopped asking. However ,with the shared classes he got with them it was hard not to notice the little things that gave away Castiel had a crush on Dean; at least impossible to hide from his best friend who knew him better than the rest.

“Just tell me. Cassy we’ve been brothers in arms all these years, you can’t keep it inside forever,” Balthazar said after ordering some or other seafood dish and flirting blatantly with the waitress that always fell for the boy’s accent.

“There’s nothing to tell,” Castiel said bitterly, partially because he wasn’t comfortable talking about it and partially because it wouldn’t make any difference to say it out loud. Dean wasn’t going to reciprocate. Not after Josh told him what happened between his girlfriend and Dean at the party.

“Are you telling me you’re not _est toqué de lui_?” Balthazar teased with a smile on his face.

Castiel squinted at him with a very unpleasant expression. “Why do you want to know?” he finally let his guard down a little.

“Because I _love_ love,” he said sarcastically, but that was lame even for him, and he had to laugh at himself when Castiel tilted his head with an irritated expression, “Alright, you know I’m a very curious man and I’m dying to know.”

Castiel had a small swing of his head resembling a nod “I know.”

Balthazar finally sighed and told him what he had been holding down to say until Cas admitted it, but it looked like his friend wasn’t going to say it without the reassurance “I’m not here to judge you, Cassy. But if you are… I’ll make sure he treats you nicely or I’ll kill him.”

Castiel wanted to laugh, and probably did inside his head, but on the outside he shook his head with a roll of his eyes. The waitress came back with their orders, setting a big burger in front of Castiel with a strawberry milkshake and Balthazar’s dish that looked like someone puked it, ate it back then puked it again. Balthazar held a steady gaze on him that wasn’t condescending or judgmental, if anything it was sympathetic. It reminded Cas why they were best friends to begin with, not minding the clear difference in their personalities, they had been there for each other through so many things, they trusted each other with their lives. Balthazar’s genuine smile was enough to break through Castiel.

“I like him” Cas answered, trying to keep his mind away from the disgusting plate that his friend seem to enjoy so much “okay… maybe… something deeper, but I don’t think it’s requited” and even if it did, Cas wouldn’t do anything and Balthazar knew it, because they were used to the commodities that were deprived from you if you didn’t fit in their community.

“Oh but it is,” Balthazar said while taking a swig from his beverage, whatever it was, looked just as funky as his dish.

Balthazar could be a lot of things, from thief to an hedonistic bastard but he wasn’t a liar, and he was rather good at things like this so Castiel felt relieved when he heard him say that. “It doesn’t matter.”

“Of course it matters.” Balthazar was accustomed to the virginal, stoic Castiel whose only defect was pouring more fingers of alcohol in the average drink, and not socializing as much as expected with the people he was surrounded with, but Dean changed that attitude from Castiel and fuck it, it was nice when his friend had the stick up his ass gone. Balthazar couldn’t really hate Dean for that. “I don’t even know what you’re doing here when you should be in his bed with legs spread apart.”

“That’s enough!” Castiel yelled surprised, though the blush gave away he wasn’t mad, just embarrassed.

“Don’t tell me you don’t fantasize about it,” Balthazar pushed some more.

“I said enough,” Cas replied with a calmer tone, but the blush was only turning brighter. “It doesn’t matter because… we can’t be together.”

“Is that so?” he said before taking a mouthful from his fork.

“You know how it is around here.”

“Exile?” Balthazar said with a laugh. It was an accurate word even though it wasn’t really such thing. “Look Cassy. Life is not following father footsteps and doing what he expects from you. Or what this community expects.”

“Easy for you to say it,” Cas said without thinking. He knew it hadn’t been easy for his friend to live on the numbered streets, living by himself, fending for himself in whatever way he could, no family, no trust fund to sustain him. Cas gave him an apologetic look “I didn’t mean it like that.”

“I know, dear.” Balthazar nodded and smiled “I’m actually living better. I’m free”

But that kind of _freedom_ wasn’t something Castiel was eager to taste. Not without a proper reason. “It’s not for me.”

“Hey, Cassy, it’s not that bad,” Balthazar spoke soothingly as if to encourage his friend to be his true self. To be happy.

“Don’t you remember Pellegrino?” Cas asserted out in fear, a little too quickly. He regretted saying that the moment he said it, but… in a way, it fit the conversation.

Even Balthazar gulped at the mention of the name, a story that was better stowed away from memory. “It doesn’t have to be your case.”

Cas wasn’t so sure about it. After all, there was a whole side of the story that Balthazar didn’t know. No one knew. But his friend was right, this was a different situation; Dean was different, ”You think I should ask him out then?” he asked a minute later now in a whispering tone to avoid anyone overhearing him.

“Well if you do, make sure he begs for it,” Balthazar cheered, forgetting that Pellegrino was even brought up, and focusing on the issue at hand.

Castiel frowned confused “Beg for what?”

Balthazar laughed at his friend’s naivety “Just talk to him, invite him to the party.”

After they finished their meal with a less awkward conversation about school and the upcoming party, Balthazar dropped him home. Instead of walking to his own porch, Castiel walked up to Professor Singer’s door and rang the bell. He knew the professor, that was for sure, and he had met Sam from the one picture Dean had of him in his wallet plus the sight of him swimming with Dean… and of course everything Dean told him about him, but he had never crossed a word with him so right after ringing the bell he regretted doing it, fearing for any of the other two men to answer the door instead of Dean. To his misfortune it was Sam who did it.

“You must be Castiel,” Sam said slightly excited when Castiel remained silent, unsure of how to greet him. Sam extended a hand to shake.

Castiel looked down at it, and shook it a second later “Samuel”.

The younger boy laughed “Just Sam,” and then tried to look over Castiel’s shoulders “Where’s Dean?”

Castiel looked instantly confused “Uh… I was coming to talk to him.”

“He went out” a voice came from inside the house and the steps announced Bobby was now joining them. “Took a car and went for a trip.”

“A trip? Where?” Sam asked the exact same questions Cas had in his head.

“It’s his thing Sam, let him go,” which meant it wasn’t something he was going to talk about in front of Castiel who, despite being friend of Dean, wasn’t exactly friend of them. Sam understood and went inside after waving a goodbye to Castiel. “He’s coming back on Sunday evening, I can let him know you came by.”

“No, thank you I’ll… talk to him when he gets back,” Castiel said a bit discouraged now, Bobby nodded and waved him off before closing the door.

 

[ Hello Dean, where did you go? ] Castiel texted him blatantly as soon as he tumbled down on his bed.

Dean had just arrived to a hotel in Colorado where he’d be spending the night, when his phone rang in his pocket. The radio went off when he turned off the keys from the ignition and he stayed in the car to read his message. He wasn’t expecting Castiel to text him, they never did that, but mostly because they spent enough time together so any conversation could wait for the next day or so. [ Out of state. Why? what’s up? ] he texted back then got out of the car to book a room.

[ I wanted to invite you to a party tonight, there’s something I need to tell you, ] was all Castiel could type, still hesitant about coming out like that. He couldn’t have chosen a worst time, considering Dean was out of state but he wanted to know if what Balthazar said was true, that maybe it did matter.

Dean ignored the buzz of the phone until he was up in his room, crappy motel room that was too small in comparison to his now established room but he didn’t complain, he had seen worse. He sat on his bed, kicked off his boots and fished his phone out of his pants. It wasn’t unusual for Castiel to sound that formal, but there was something behind those lines, something Dean felt wasn’t quite right. [ What’s up? ] he asked instead of what’s wrong, trying not to assume anything just yet.

The minutes of waiting for Dean’s message felt tortuous but Castiel was a patient man, didn’t stop him from looking at his phone’s screen every minute but he wasn’t wandering around his room or tapping his feet on the floor like a maniac. Then it finally arrived. Cas was expecting more than that question… although he really didn’t know what to expect honestly but it made him think it was an inconvenient time. He let a few minutes pass while he told himself that a message was so not the way of doing that declaration, and after 10 minutes it was enough, he felt the need to tell him. So he dialed his number.

“Hey man, what’s up?” Dean greeted trying not to sound concerned.

“I uh… I was talking to Balthazar…” Cas went silent after that.

“You called to tell me that?”

“No. I was… he told me something I’ve been replaying in my head.”

“Ookayy…” Dean said, delaying the sound of the word in his mouth to make a sarcastic emphasis, “and that is?” Castiel could be heard on the other end of the line breathing, which got creepy after a minute of not talking “Cas?”

“Yes, I-I’m here…” but he hadn’t think that through. He was more focused about whether to call him or not that he did not think about what to say when he did, so he said the first thing that came to mind “We’ve been friends for a while now… and maybe a month is too early to… well, I don’t know if I should call it that way but…” a nervous laugh, “I feel very vulnerable telling you this, considering I myself don’t think it’s appropriate…. and I know it’s inopportune, but I wanted to te-”

“Cas, I don’t understand a word you’re saying.” Which was worrisome because Cas was eloquent at all times. Except when he was freaking out, and that didn’t happen often.

“I think I’m in love with you,” Cas said quickly. Like taking off a bandaid in a swift move for an instant pain instead of a slow, torturing one.

A few seconds passed.

“Wait what?” Dean asked shocked. Exactly what he was trying not to think about was now being thrown at his face just like that. Inopportune was an understatement.

“I…… there’s something about you… I… I like you…” Castiel tried to put his feelings into coherent words but his mouth was faster than his brain “I’m i-”

“I can’t do this right now,” Dean cut him off. This was supposed to be a day where he would confirm there was nothing going on with Castiel and now it turned out he was only lying to himself. There was something. He felt it too. But this was not how he wanted to deal with it, and particularly not right now, if ever.

“Apologies…” was all Castiel could say, already feeling Dean’s reluctance to talk about it which, from the tone of voice, was being interpreted as rejection. “Was it wrong for me to say it?”

Dean’s reaction was poor considering the little preparation he got for that bomb “Yes,” he said coldly, “You thought I’d tell you the same and run to your door?” his voice was louder than he meant it, but he wasn’t thinking clearly. No one ever said those words to him, especially not a guy, especially not someone he came to care about, especially not this fast.

“No, I just…”

“Look man, I like you too, but not that way,” Dean scolded, it felt like a lie in his mouth, but he was Dean fucking Winchester, he didn’t fall in love, and he didn’t like men.

There was a long silence between the two of them, awkwardness seeping through the phone line while Castiel struggled not to say anything and upset the clearly confused Dean, who was breathing heavily to calm himself down and not think about taking his words back. He took a deep breath, finally breaking the silence but Castiel spoke first.

“I understand,” he sounded staid as usual, except for the slight undertone that threatened to shatter his voice like a glass dropping to the floor. “I’m sorry to bother.”

“Look, Cas…” Dean tried to fix his speech now with a less affected voice, after all, he knew that Cas had become someone important to him, he was the first real friend he’d had in a while, and after everything that had happened with his dad he really needed a friend. He didn’t want to lose Castiel over something like this, “we can be…” but Castiel wasn’t listening.

“Uh… the voice says I’m almost out of minutes,” Castiel excused himself with the first thing that came to mind, giving his best not to sound heart-broken.

“Cas.”

“I need to go.”

“Cas, listen to me!”

“I’ll see you when you get home.”

“Cas!… CAS!…” the line went off now and Dean clenched his fist around his phone tightly “DAMMIT!”

 

* * *

 

“I’m going out,” Castiel announced on his way downstairs but no one answered. Naomi had probably gone out too. Which meant he could take his car out of the garage without drawing her attention; it had been a while since he took his own car out and it would have been dusting if it wasn’t for the sheath covering it. It was probably not the best decision he had taken ever but the phone ringing on the passenger seat with the name Dean shining in the screen was only making him more decided to get drunk. He had assaulted the cabinet earlier, taking vodka and rum for his private party at a special place that he liked to go when he wanted to be alone, a lifeguard post that was abandoned at night because no one went to that beach so late.

He left his car in the parking lot and walked absentmindedly into the sand, a bottle of alcohol on each hand, to sit down on the wooden floor of the small veranda at the lifeguard post, then began drinking while staring at the ocean. The situation with Dean had been eerily similar to one that happened not so long ago. Similar feelings, same confusion, similar desperation. It hadn’t ended well back then, and now it seemed like it was repeating again. Maybe Balth had been wrong all along and this was the way his life was always going to be. A mess after another.

He only knew one coping method. So the first bottle was gone in the blink of an eye, and soon his mind drifted further into his own problems.

His father was an influential man whose business extended beyond just Crystal Heights and instead of flying, he took his private yacht to travel. When Cas was little and his father took a trip, he would always wait at the piers for hours, thinking that he would see the yacht as it returned and would be the first one to welcome his father back home. It never happened like that, but it became a habit hard to quit whenever he felt like he needed some guidance.

“I’m in love with a guy,” he chuckled after he popped the bottle open, letting his rambling to be driven by the light nocturnal breeze. “One day everyone in school likes me and the next day they might as well hunt me down.” he kicked the empty bottle into the sand and took a long sip from the second one “I’m in love with a guy,” he repeated with a sour laughter, “It’s going to ruin your reputation, I will ruin it,” he kept rambling angrily, this time addressing his absent father. It wasn’t a revelation easy to take, Castiel never really thought he’d admit it to himself; one thing is to question your sexuality but when you take the veil off, and come out to yourself… is not just a burden taken off your shoulders, is one added to the back of your head when you start wondering what people will think about you, how they’ll act around you, what they’ll do to you. Whether he wanted it or not, Cas cared about it, about the rules he had to follow to fit in. “I bet you’re going to hate me too,” he finally whispered into the air before sulking into a mix of silent sobbing and sipping alcohol. He was troubled. A part of him knew he couldn’t get Dean out of his head so trying to pretend he didn’t just declared to him was an impossible task, specially when they were meant to see each other at school everyday, but at the same time he couldn’t just admit it again and pursue anything when his own lifestyle was at stake for a guy who didn’t feel the same way. All the acceptance, all the money, even his friends, they would be gone if he came out. “I don’t know what to do,” he begged to no one in particular for some support before drinking down the second bottle.

 

* * *

 

Balthazar had been spending the last 15 minutes trying to call Castiel and ask how it went, he felt somewhat responsible for pushing Castiel to do it and he wanted to be there for him if Dean was a jerk and said no to his friend, which he was sure wouldn’t happen but it was better to be prepared for the worst scenario.

“Still not a word from him?” Uriel asked when he noticed Balthazar was staring at his phone.

“I bet he’s getting laid,” Balthazar tried to joke to be positive, but his gut was telling him otherwise.

Uriel laughed and patted Balthazar on his shoulder, “Then stop cockblocking.”

Balthazar gave a confident smirk, and Uriel considered it a good sign so he walked away back to drink with the other guys that were playing a stupid drinking competition game. Balthazar was still uneasy though, Cas always answered his phone even if he was very drunk. Something was wrong. So he sneaked out of the party and grabbed his car to go to the one place he assumed Cas would be.

He knew his intuition worked well when he saw Cas’ car parked , which only increased his level of alertness. Something was **terribly** wrong if Cas had decided to take his car out. He rushed out of his car and into the beach where he saw his friend staggering in circles on the sand right at the shoreline. One bottle still in his hand while the drunk boy was having fun by himself with the tide. Kicking water when it came too close to his feet, laughing his ass off and barely keeping himself up.

“Cassy?” He called for his friend, who spun on his heels too quickly and nearly fell to the ground.

“Hello Balth,” Cas answered with a wide smile on his face and a loud excited voice.

“How much have you been drinking?” Balthazar asked concerned, though he could tell it was just that level where Cas was dangerously uninhibited, the nickname Balth had only been used three or four times.

“Not enough apparently,” he said while laughing on every word. He was about to take another swing from the bottle but Balthazar was already next to him and took the bottle away. Castiel frowned and whined, “Give it back,” he slurred.

Balthazar sighed, “I’ll give it back when I get you home,” then wrapped an arm around Castiel’s shoulders to drag him back to the parking lot. It wasn’t the first time he had to deal with a very very drunk Castiel, and he had to admit that when Balthazar was not drunk himself, it was annoying to deal with his friend in that condition. But that’s what friends are for, and Balthazar wasn’t going to leave him alone. “What did that bastard told you?”

Castiel was dragging his feet but at least he could walk when someone helped him fight the unbalance of the earth moving under him. He shrugged as they stepped out of the sand and into the concrete, “He sounded angry. He told me it was wrong for me to say it.”

“To say what?” Balthazar asked more sober than he thought he was.

Castiel tripped, but Balthazar was there to hold him up and he laughed, “That I’m in love with him,”

Balthazar rolled his eyes and helped Castiel get inside the passenger seat of his Chevy, helped him put the seatbelt on, then walked around the car to the driver seat. “Cassy, I told you to ask him out, not to tell him you’re in love with him… you can’t just say that without at least having kissed before, or slept together a couple of nights.” But he should have known his friend was going to mess it up, he needed some guidelines on relationships.

“But I am in lov-”

“No, you like him, you can’t be in love with him after a few weeks… that’s nonsense.” Or at least Balthazar didn’t believe in love as such, so it sounded ridiculous to him to fall for someone this hard this soon. Castiel was silent, in his drunken mind he was convinced of what he felt for Dean, he already admitted it so why turn back? But arguing with his best friend wasn’t what he wanted to do right now, it was just sad that even his friend would diminish his feelings so he shrugged defeated. “Let’s get you home.”

“No,” Castiel grumbled against the window, “You were at the party, weren’t you? Let’s go back there.”

“Are you insane? Just look at you, you are not in the position to drink anymore.”

“I’m not going to drink,” Cas lied, “I just… the house is empty, I don’t want to be alone.”

It had been such a heart-wrenching line for Balthazar to say no, the honest depression hidden under liters of alcohol was just too deep to ignore, and even more because Balthazar could understand that feeling. “Alright,” he whispered before turning on the engine, “but no drinks.”

When they arrived to the party that Cas recognized as the house of one girl of his chemistry class (though he couldn’t remember the name), he was a bit more sober, at least enough to walk on his own without having to rely on Balthazar. When they came inside, people greeted Castiel like he was a celebrity, hugs, kisses, handshakes, the habitual arrival of the popular guy. And it was just what he wanted right now, to feel wanted. So he joined some people in the conversations he would usually avoid. Needless to say, Balthazar and Uriel were shocked.

As promised, Cas didn’t touch a single glass except for the cup of coffee that Balthazar forced into his hands, but after two sips, he put it down. The initial rush of not wanting to be alone was starting to die off the more his body processed the alcohol and sobered him up. And a few minutes later he started to feel sick, drinking neat alcohol straight from the bottle requires some strong stomach, and the burger he ate hours ago with Balthazar threatened not to stay in much longer. A girl passed with a strong perfume that got him more dizzy than he was and it was all it took for him to make a run to the bathroom to puke.

It took several minutes (and several people knocking on the door) for him to feel good enough to get his face away from the toilet. Splashing his face with water didn’t help much, he was looking paler and sweating cold; then he stared at himself in the mirror for a few seconds… and why did he ever think Dean would like him back? Suddenly it didn’t matter how many people greeted him at the party, or how much Rachel liked him, or how much money his father had, or how good his grades were. It just wasn’t a life he really liked.

His eyes fell on the small knob on the mirror frame and his inebriated mind told him to pull it open, knowing that there would be medicines there that would help with the dizziness and nausea. Naomi used to take pain killers on a regular basis when she was senior in high-school, Cas remembered that according to her, it helped the headaches. Castiel was still drunk and feeling very sick at the moment, enough to consider the pills would do good. He took a pill and swallowed it, then a second one just in case. And the third one met his lips when Cas considered the idea of just passing out and make the night just another blackout, he needed to forget the night.

 

* * *

 

Dean couldn’t sleep much that night, but after 20 calls sent to Castiel’s voicemail and 10 messages without a response, he decided to give up on it and wait till he got back home to fix things with his friend, he wouldn’t admit the same thing of course, but the other guy was all that kept Dean grounded while at school and strangely kept him out of trouble. Dean really didn’t want to lose Cas.

The next day he was woken up by his alarm, set one hour before his time on the room was over. Enough time to shower, get dressed and deliver the keys to the manager before driving all the way to Kansas. He couldn’t think about Castiel right now, he was there to check up on Lisa but damn, Castiel’s words would not leave his mind now and all he could remember was the hurt in his voice. He tried calling again just one last time once he was sitting in the driver seat of Bobby’s car, but this time it didn’t go to voicemail, it didn’t even ring. Just the voice telling him it was out of reach. Maybe Castiel had turned off the phone because he didn’t want to talk to him. Dean cursed out loud once more before shoving the phone back into his pants and driving away to meet up with Lisa.


	2. Hot and Cold

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the sake of continuity let's dismiss the fact that I wrote Dean driving for about 9 hours, when the real trip from Kansas to California takes more than a whole day by car. I should have researched better the first time.

“This has gone too far Castiel,” Michael Novak spoke when he entered the hospital room.

The younger boy should have known better than to take his car out to the beach and get drunk, it was because of that that he ended up in that party with Balthazar, and the reason why he was so out of judgment that he got himself an overdose, but he was heartbroken for the second time in his life, only this time alcohol didn’t fill the gaping hole in his chest. It had been shocking to find himself getting close to Dean Winchester to the point of falling in love with the boy, even more shocking to come out to him and furthermore to be turned down the way he had been. As a new feeling, a new sense of love, he didn’t know how to react about anything that happened that night, and it cost him getting into a car accident after Balthazar drove him to the beach to pick up his car because he had thought Cas was sober. If only Balthazar had known how many pain killers Cas had on his system that kicked in all at once right when he was midway home.

“Thank God I have a good leverage with the Lieutenant or this little show of yours would had gone worse,” Michael continued with the same angry voice as before.

“You mean as in-” he wanted to say: _as in becoming public_ , but his father interrupted.

“As in getting you killed,” the man who was now standing at the foot of the bed took a short walk to the side of it, approaching intimidatingly close.

Castiel turned his eyes away from Michael. The words he spoke at the beach seemed far hidden inside his brain, unable to come out. His heart-felt speeches always faded away at the sight of his father, his inmost thoughts replaced with some unconscious grudge against him. “And yet here I am.” He spoke defiantly.

“Don’t talk to me like that,” Michael’s words threatened to be followed by a punishing slap to Castiel, or at least the lift of his hands. But Michael had never laid hands on his kids in that way and this wasn’t going to be the first time. “You’re not in the position for this attitude.”

The whole room fell into an almost breathable raging tension. Naomi was sitting on the couch near the window, cross-legged and watching anywhere but the bed, just waiting for their father to take a walk outside the room before she could assault his younger brother with judgmental questions and scolds, ones that would fall in Castiel’s ears better than Michael’s. Meanwhile Cas was idly looking at his bedsheets to avoid eye contact with either of them, as if his mere gaze could reveal the reason why he was at the beach, drinking his brains out, in the first place.

“What were you thinking?” Michael finally said with a firm voice, demanding explanations in a way Castiel never heard before.

“I wasn-”

“Exactly. You were not thinking,” it was infuriating to see his son with scratches on his face, a split lip and an IV flowing inside his arm to counter the self-medication and prevent as much damage to his liver as they could manage. Michael wasn’t unaware to his son’s misdoings though, but this was as far as he was going to let it go. “There’s no explanation for your behavior.”

Cas had one explanation of course, but it wasn’t enough to comfort his father. On the contrary, admitting why he was drinking alone was only going to make Michael more disappointed at him. A gay son. “I needed time alone. I’m sorry,” but his worded apology was more sarcastic than honest.

“Your apologies hold no meaning. You simply don’t seem to straighten your ways.”

Castiel opened his eyes in surprise to that statement and gathered the strength to look up at his father. _Straighten your ways_. Was Michael already aware of his preferences? He gulped nervously, “What do you mean?”

“You believe me a fool? Bottles disappearing from the cabinet, your night escapades with your friends, and I’ve been told of your infractions despite your naive attempts to keep them hidden from me.” Michael’s voice was raising. “I’ve turn my eyes the other way because of your flawless score in school. But this?”

Cas had always seen Michael as stern and calm, This strict new side of him was baffling, after years of not seeing his father with an angry expression, Cas was surprised to find out his father could be so upset. “It won’t happen again,” he lied only to get over with the preach.

“No. It won’t,” Michael said with more calmer words, crossing his arms over his chest to regain composure. Cas frowned at the meaning behind that statement. “I can no longer play blind to this addiction of yours. Look where it has brought you.”

“I’m not an addict,” he raised his voice defensively.

“They found drugs in your system!” Michael all but shouted

“They were pain killers!” Cas countered louder.

“Enough to kill an elephant!”

“I’m not suicidal either!”

There was a long pause, both men realizing just how loud they’ve gotten and were trying to regain composure. Michael was the first one to take a deep breath and stand tall again, as if standing straight would make him look more authoritarian.

“We’ll see about that after therapy,” the eldest Novak spoke with a creepy calmness that froze the blood in Cas’ veins.

“Therapy?” his voice both shocked and desperate.

“Your first session is next weekend and I won’t tolerate absence.”

“You. Speaking of absence.” Castiel said with a sarcastic tone followed by a huffed chuckle.

Needless to say, it wasn’t a well received comment. Even Naomi’s eyes widened and Michael glared furiously at him but found no words to retort. It wasn’t a lie. “You’ll go to therapy even if I have to drag you there,” Were his final words before he turned around to leave the room and talk to the doctor. Leaving Castiel breathing loudly to calm himself.

It was nothing but a teenage rant for feeling impotent against his father’s decisions. He found it unfair that Michael wanted someone else to fix Castiel instead of taking responsibility and deal with their family problems himself. Because that’s what it was, what drove Castiel to drink, the lack of proper guidance other than his friend’s advices. It started with one occasional drink when they went to parties, then it turned to drinking till he was dizzy and loosen up with the other kids. And fucking Pellegrino. Like a snowball, it reached the point where Cas would sneak a bottle to his room whenever he felt the urge of feeling alcohol grazing his throat in order to feel less anxious. Cas didn’t consider it a problem of course, he never harmed anyone, he didn’t pass out in his own room with a glass in hand or staggered into his house shouting obscenities. It was a normal social drinking behavior, plus a few drinks on his own when he wanted. It wasn’t an obsession that needed to be treated, and the pain killers had been a one time thing!. The real problem was that Michael wasn’t around when Cas needed him. Naomi and Gabriel took good care of him but it wasn’t their responsibility to raise him, and as such, he found it unfair to turn to them in seek of parental words.

“We’re trying to help you, Castiel.” Naomi spoke once she noticed Cas loosening the grip he had on the bed sheets.

“So you think I need therapy? For what?” this time he wasn’t angry, he was annoyed. Anger was reserved for Michael.

“Well…” Naomi paused, then approached slowly to lay a tender hand on her brother’s shoulder. “I never thought you’d be popping pills without prescription. We believed you more mature but now…” her voice had a severe tone as well.

“It’s not going to happen again,” because he wasn’t going to let himself fall to the same reason that got him so irrational.

“We can’t just go by your word.”

Cas was tired of arguing. He wasn’t going to get out of it and he knew it, so the best was to keep it to himself and go to the damn therapy, only to prove he didn’t need it.

A few more minutes passed, Naomi tried to get some explanations of what drove his brother to take out the car when it had been almost a year without him touching it, explanations about why he got so drunk or even better, why he didn’t go home and instead chose to go to the party. Cas remained silent or gave evasive answers. He knew it was stupid to go out and get drunk only because someone he had a crush on, turned him down. So what if that someone was a guy? it shouldn’t make a difference to how childish he behave, and admitting that to his sister wasn’t going to make any difference.

Eventually Michael came back with a doctor to discharge Castiel and help him get out of bed, take the IV out, get him proper clothes and his papers. The road back home was as unpleasant as expected; the tension followed them the whole way. Until he found himself back in his room searching inside one of his drawers, under the pile of underwear, where a small bottle of vodka was waiting for him.

 

* * *

 

The weekend had been as productive as Dean expected, Lisa was only glad to see Dean again. The man moved out of Kansas out of the blue, it happened a couple of weeks after John passed away but it had been as unexpected for her as it was to Dean. No goodbye words, no calls, no messages, and of course Lisa didn’t let that go. It was the first thing they talked about when she opened the door for the man who used to live next door from her house. They grew up together, their families knew each other and that lead to eventually having them dating. The only real relationship Dean ever had. And he was there to re-live at least a faint moment of what he had before his father’s accident.

He arrived on Saturday morning, spent most of the day walking with Lisa along the streets he used to call home, where he played as a kid, where he picked up girls after school for a ride around the neighborhood, where he hung out with his friends when they skipped classes and even visited the places where he had temporary jobs to help with stuff needed at home like new clothes, and sometimes food. His mind was gladly focused on his time with Lisa and not his last conversation with Castiel, every time he started remembering the words _“I think I’m in love with you”_ , he would turn around and plant a kiss on his companion who would kiss back unaware of Dean’s intentions. It seemed like the perfect distraction.

“Where are you staying now?” Lisa asked when they drove to a viewer, up in a hill where they used to make out not so long ago.

“Remember my dad’s friend, Bobby?” he asked without taking his eyes from the sky. Lisa nodded. “He took us in his house. Somewhere called Crystal Heights in California.” Where he thought he was slowly making a life, but a quick glance at Lisa made him re-think that. “Awful place,” he laughed.

“It would have to be if you needed to drive all the way here just to see me.” Her voice sounded bothered even though she was happy to see Dean again, just slightly confused. The man only shrugged in response and made Lisa sigh. “Something happened?”

Yes, something happened. “No, why?” Somehow it was easier to lie now. Back then when they were dating, Dean would find himself opening up to Lisa effortlessly, she was the only one who managed to see him vulnerable. Now he didn’t feel guilty about closing up on her.

“It’s been a month since you left,” she spoke carefully to point out she wasn’t recriminating anything. They ended their relationship in good terms, Lisa needed to focus on school and Dean barely had time to share, his priority had always been Sammy and his father. So they were distanced even before John’s accident. “I told you I’d always be here for you and I meant it… but…”

“Nothing happened, okay?” Dean interrupted, a slight tone of anger slipping through his words. “I wanted to see you, that’s all. Is it bad?”

Lisa looked away, almost rolling her eyes. “No, is not bad.” Then pushed herself closer to him.

Eventually, Dean admitted to Lisa how he felt at Bobby’s house. The kind of people that lived there, the lifestyle they had, the school programs. Everything that they would never have in Kansas was now offered in silver plate to Dean, and he wasn’t sure he liked it. It brought some comfort for Lisa to know Dean wasn’t there just to fuck again; he was there to feel himself again, in spite of how much struggle he went through back home, it was the life he was used to; the commodities with Bobby were nice, he had to admit it, but it didn’t compare to what he had there in Kansas. Friends he could actually relate to, girls who knew him well enough and yet didn’t turn away from jumping on the Impala. And Lisa of course, the only girl who made him feel like a person when things crumbled around him.

On Sunday morning he woke up in Lisa’s room, entangled with each other in a tight embrace that made Dean wake up earlier than he wanted. To his luck, Lisa was still asleep or else she would have freaked out when Dean pulled her closer, clutching to her like a teddy bear, and in his slumber whisper “Cas?” to see if his companion was awake, even Dean wasn’t sure if he dreamed it or if he actually said it out loud. Neither made him feel better. After that, he had to wake Lisa up for a repeat of the past night’s events. To get Castiel’s face out of his mind.

By midday, things had turned much better, Dean was more confident about himself, which made it difficult to say his goodbyes to drive back to California but the promise of texting frequently made him smirk. He appreciated that.

This time he hit the road slower than two days ago, arriving to Bobby’s house one hour and a half later than expected. It felt like he was leaving his life behind all over again and he wasn’t ready to get back to Crystal Heights to deal with the crappy routine back there. He felt the weight of John’s passing more and more with each mile he drove closer to Bobby’s, but his mood changed as soon as he saw his little brother sitting at the staircase of the entrance when he drove up the driveway. Sam was eagerly waiting for him with a smile from ear to ear.

“Did you have fun?” the little boy asked when Dean hopped out of the car.

“Yeah,” was all Dean said while wrapping his arms around his brother.

“You missed the party Bobby hosted, he said it was for charity funds. Apparently they’re very common around here and this was his turn to host.” Sam said excitedly, obviously had a good time on something that Dean would probably had found annoying.

“Oh yeah? What was so great about it?” he asked while opening the trunk and getting his bags out to carry them inside. He could use some sleep now, but watching his brother happy made him feel renewed.

“… nothing,” Sam said shyly.

Dean smirked, knowing his brother better than anyone and easily spotting his lies. “Met someone?”

Sam punched his brother’s shoulder “Shut up.” But that only meant Dean was right. A topic they would have to talk about after he took a shower. Sam seemed to read his mind and instead of a shower he suggested the pool.

“It’s 9 p.m. Sammy,” Dean grunted, unwilling to go and risk watching Castiel through the window.

“So? You don’t know how great it is to swim at night. I swear is the best thing.” Sam insisted and did the puppy eyes that were impossible to say no to.

“Fine, I’ll be there in a minute,” Dean said tiredly. Sam smirked and walked towards the pool while Dean went upstairs to his room.

It had only been two days away from that room but he felt foreign to it all over again, after the slight taste of his past life, coming there was like the cold breeze that strikes your face when you come out of a warm house. Piercing and so sudden. He repeated what he did the first night he arrived to the room: Drop the baggage by the entrance door then going to open his balcony. The moon was bright enough to let enough light to seep inside his room, he wasn’t a messy boy and kept things organized so the nightly ambiance made the room look welcoming as it never did before. It matched how he felt, dark and gloomy. He let the doors open so the cool air would freshen his room while he was at the pool. Grabbed a clean towel from his closet, then headed to the back of the house.

Sam was already inside the pool, swimming from one side to the other, Dean stared at his brother for a few minutes while the little boy continued his activity. It was a miracle that Sammy didn’t have raisin fingers yet considering how much time he spent there. Dean laughed before finally dropping the towel with a “Here I come” yell then jumping inside. Bobby wandered out too, crossing the smooth lawn in between the house and the pool, one that was much better appreciated when barefooted. He had a beer in his hand, and watching the boys so happy made him roll his pants up to his knees to sit by the edge of the pool and relax with the boys, his boys.

At that point, Bobby and Sam were both aware that Castiel had been in an accident, rumors didn’t take too long to spread in that city, and they could be seen constantly exchanging looks, trying to find the right moment to bring the topic afloat. It was evident to Sam that there was something going on between his brother and the boy next door, he never really took hands into matter when it came to Dean’s relationships but this was something different; his brother would usually gloat about the girls he’d been with or the ventures he went through with his friends, but he never really talked about Castiel despite how much time they spent together. Cas was important to Dean, so it mattered to Sam as well. Meanwhile Bobby had seen the slightest changes in the other boy’s attitudes. He had lived in Crystal Heights long enough to know what a revolted kid the Novak was, and it was a sudden change now that Dean was around. Less parties, less gossip including him, and Bobby heard all about that from Michael Novak himself when he hosted the charity event on Saturday. On the other hand, the kid seemed to be a good influence on Dean who was actively playing sports, getting involved in school, staying out of trouble; all the things that Bobby expected to be difficult with the older Winchester were not as unattainable as he first thought; he could only guess it had something to do with Castiel.

Bobby and Sam knew it mattered.

“How did it feel to be back to Kansas, son?” Bobby spoke after the boys decided to take a break from swimming and join him by the poolside.

Dean shrugged nonchalantly. “Eh, it was nice. Feels like nothing changed there.” Even though everything did.

“Are you happy to be back?” said Sam. Dean in return kicked some water on his way.

“I guess.” If Dean put some thoughts about it, he felt strange. Kansas wasn’t home anymore, his time with Lisa had been great but the house he used to live in was now deserted and it made his stomach churn when he thought about his father, his friends seemed to have moved on just fine without him. Like he said, nothing changed in spite of his absence. Then there was Crystal Heights, a place where he knew wasn’t home from the moment he stepped on it.

He felt homeless. Without a place where he belonged. Bobby seemed to notice that.

“Hell, we sure are happy to get you back.” Bobby said, giving a friendly pat to Dean’s shoulder.

“I’m here to stay,” Dean replied only because Sam was all he had left, and Sam was more than happy to be living there so Dean would follow. His eyes traveled to look at his younger brother, there was always a spark in Dean’s eyes when he saw his brother smile. Then something in the distance caught his attention. Castiel’s window was closed, the room was in complete darkness. It was probably the first time Dean had seen the room so… uninhabited. He gulped the burdening sensation of guilt for what happened with Castiel and instead of giving more thought to it, he turned around to look at Bobby. “Thanks for letting me drive your car.”

Bobby shrugged a wordless ‘no problem’ and before he could add something, Dean was pushing himself up to get out of the pool.

“I’m really tired,” Dean said, planning to get something to eat before heading upstairs. Oblivious to what Bobby and Sam wanted to talk to him about.

It just wasn’t the right moment. So they let him go.

 

* * *

 

“It’s just one night!” Cas yelled defensively when his father stopped him at the door.

“You’re grounded. I’m not letting you go get drunk with your friends again, we talked about this.”

Cas had arrived home only an hour ago. He was still limping when he tried to walk, he didn’t so much as fractured his leg, but he needed crutches. His head was bandaged to cover the wound at his forehead, slightly covered behind threads of dark hair, and several other wounds patched under his clothes. Even when he felt weak, he wanted to spend the night out, this time was honestly some time away his house without alcohol, he had already called Balthazar to pick him up and after he stated firmly that he’d explain later, his friend agreed. Michael of course was against it, he knew Balthazar well enough, Castiel’s long time friend, and that only gave him more reason not to let Castiel go with him.

But Cas was persistent. “Dad, I’ve agreed to go to therapy as you force me to, I won’t miss the appointment, and this won’t let my performance at school be degraded. I just need my friend. We’re not going to drink, just stay at his place.”

The blue eyes were glassy, making Castiel look beaten and almost hopeful for his father to let him go. They were still slightly bloodshot from the accident but they reflected the boy’s plea. Most of all they were honest, and Michael wanted to believe him.

“You just killed the trust I had in you. I don’t believe you.” No matter how much those words would hurt his son, it was for his own good.

Castiel brought a hand to his forehead to cover his eyes, and wipe them in the process. There were many things he could say at that moment, recriminate Michael for several things Castiel had kept inside, but none of them were positive and certainly wouldn’t grant him the permission he wanted.

After a few seconds of taking a deep breathe to calm down, he looked up to his father again. “I learned from my mistake, and I won’t put myself through the same again. Believe that.”

It was a reasonable argument but not enough to convince Michael. The thing that managed to break a crack in his wall was the fact his son sounded honest. Almost way too honest. He was, of course, unaware that Castiel’s word meant deeper than just the car accident or getting drunk alone. “You have school tomorrow.”

“And I have a perfect assistance record that I don’t plan on breaking soon.”

Michael sighed, making his face look just as staid as usual, devoid of anger. He rubbed his neck meditatively and looked at his daughter. Naomi would have a good point in that regard but she spoke nothing, only offered an approving nod. She trusted her brother to not be that foolish again, specially not so soon.

“I want you to call me as soon as you get home, and before you go to sleep, and after you wake up, then again when you’re at school. Understood?” What other choice did he really have anyway? Locking him up would only drive him away further, become even more reckless and sneak out in the middle of the night. It was better to give him some freedom instead of having him taking it by the force.

Castiel nodded with a bitter smile on his face. “I promise.”

Balthazar’s car was already parked outside, the boy had a cigarette already smoked halfway through and had his back resting against his truck. It was the first time they talked after Balthazar dropped him off at the beach. Cas spent the whole Friday unconscious at the hospital. Then Saturday was dead silent with his father and sister in the room just staring at him like they wanted to say something but both were still furious to say something proper. Without his phone or Balthazar hearing yet about the accident, he was left with no communication with his friend. Then the next day it blew up, Rachel heard about it from her father who worked in the hospital and had sent flowers to his room. That was the moment when Michael found the will power to speak coherently and scold his son. Rachel spread the rumor that reached Balthazar’s ears.

“Cassy, you look like hell.” Balthazar spoke when his friend was only a few steps away.

“I’d say I look like I had a car accident,” he tried to joke, and Balthazar was the only one who found Castiel’s humorless jokes hilarious, so he laughed.

Balthazar was prudent too, as much as he tended to be noisy and playful, he knew to keep his words locked with Castiel until they were in a more comfortable zone, with good music around and some drinks on their table. This time was going to be different though, it came as a surprise to Balthazar as it was for everyone else. He knew of his friend’s drinking problem but never considered it so threatening that would lead to an accident. His concern wasn’t mute either, he had repeatedly warned Castiel to keep it down, but the other boy just didn’t listen and Balth wasn’t his babysitter to keep count on how many drinks Cas poured to himself. Now the accident opened his eyes, it was time to keep a closer eye on him.

They arrived home in silence. The radio being the only noise between them while Balthazar waited for his friend to start the conversation, thing that never happened until they were sitting in one of Balthazar’s couch.

“Where’s Uriel?” Castiel asked before taking a seat carefully, he still felt sore when he moved violently, so even walking was a slow process.

“Oh you know him, it’s hard to keep tabs on him.”

“I see,” Cas whispered. The house looked less messy than he expected, almost as if Balthazar had it tied up in anticipation. His eyes wandered to the coffee table in front of him out of habit, there was usually a beer waiting for him already but Balthazar didn’t look like he was in the mood to give out drinks.

“Are you going to tell me what happened?” Balthazar finally asked, since Castiel seemed miles away from talking about it. Sometimes it was needed for him to take the first step. “I mean… you didn’t drink any more at the party, I could have sworn you were sober, otherwise I wouldn’t have taken you to your car.” And Balthazar hated feeling responsible.

“I don’t know,” it had been something impulsive and irrational, even he was unsure why he thought it would end well. “I needed to stop feeling.”

Balthazar chuckled humorlessly, “Well that’s the lamest excuse you’ve ever said,” he wandered into the kitchen to get two glasses and before he could reach for Vodka, he reminded himself to get tea instead. “Feeling what?”

“Abandoned.” Was all Castiel could say, and had it not be for the utter silence in the room, it would have been unheard. Yet Balthazar heard.

The other boy poured iced tea and brought the glasses back to the living room, sitting next to Castiel and putting them down on the table. “I thought that’s why you asked me to take you to the party.”

Castiel looked away, knowing that one glance into his friend’s eyes would make him talk.

“Your father?” It wasn’t a secret to Balthazar how brushed aside Cas felt when it came to his family, Michael more specifically.

“Everyone,” but it wasn’t true. Balthazar had never abandoned him. It wasn’t fair to say that to him, and the guilt made him look up to his friend apologetically. Balthazar didn’t look hurt, just confused and concerned. “Dean.”

“Oh,” in retrospective, Balthazar should have known it had something to do with that guy. It was, after all, the first thing Castiel was talking about when Balth found him drunk at the beach. “That lying bastard,” Balthazar said with a laughable voice. If body language was correct, Dean had a thing for his friend and wasn’t good at hiding it either. But Castiel’s crush was also evident and yet, the guy was still in the closet. It wasn’t impossible for Dean to be as well. “so what? Ken doll shoves you aside and you get drunk?”

“It was as stupid as it sounds. I know.” But what other example did Castiel have? It was what Gabriel did, what Balthazar and Uriel did, even Naomi had her moments. Not to mention fucking Pellegrino.

“It really is more than just a crush, isn’t it?”

“It doesn’t matter. It’s fruitless to pursue it. Like I told you before you convinced me…”

“I didn’t think he’d refuse such eye candy.” Balthazar wasn’t going to take blame in that, nor did Castiel want to make him feel guilty.

The conversation ended there. It was the unspoken words that told Balthazar how much his friend was still hurt, and it told him it wasn’t going to be over anytime soon despite Castiel’s attempt to make it look like he was fine. It was the first time Cas had felt something that strong for someone and he knew he reacted poorly; it was very unreal to think his first crush could turn into his first relationship. Even more when the other party was also a man. Castiel felt disappointed for how things ended up, never intending to fall for another guy until he went to college maybe, away from home was probably a better place to explore his preferences. So he was more than ready to not let this slip get to him, or affect his way in school and society. Now his only concern was for no one to find out about his feelings for Dean, that meant talking with the other guy to keep it secret, or better yet, to forget what happened. Balthazar was going to be there for him anyway, like he always did.

They went to the bedrooms, Cas took Uriel’s since he was going to be out all night, and before he hit the bed, he called his father. No alcohol as promised and already going to sleep. It left Michael easy, in hopes for the new day to erase the terrible weekend they just had.

 

* * *

 

**Monday**

Cas had promised Dean to talk with him when he got back, although they both refrained from texting or calling each other until school arrived. That promise was forgotten as soon as they met in the parking lot of Harbor High School. Cas was coming out of the familiar S.U.V., stepping out inhumanly slow before Balthazar walked around the car and helped him out. Dean on the other hand, had been granted permission to use that car he took to Kansas –Bobby had more– and drop Sam off on the way then head to school. Arriving on that luxurious car got him some looks from people parking next to him, not the previous disgusted looks but rather welcoming ones, almost as if owning a good car was enough to get on their good side. Pretentious, but even Dean had to admit he enjoyed the way girls eyed him now, then his attention quickly fell on the blue-eyed guy two rows ahead.

Castiel refused to use crutches, not wanting to make his accident evident, but as soon as he started walking towards the entrance, eyes were on him and whispers were thrown, gossiping about how drunk the guy got and how stupid it was for him to get caught. Most people in C.H. had been in a similar position, getting too drunk to drive but even they knew how to call a cab to get dropped off instead of attempting to drive on their own. Of course the reason for their carefulness was their worry of getting their expensive cars scratched or worse, but still they managed to never get in an accident. Balthazar helped him get through the staring crowd, the walk was painfully slow considering his leg was swollen and it hurt to step on it. Slow enough for Dean to catch up with them.

“Cas,” Dean greeted, eyes opening wide at the sight of the band-aids in Castiel’s forehead. He got rid of the bandage for being too blatant, even though the band-aids were not any better.

Castiel wasn’t in the mood for talking to Dean right now, the mere sound of his voice made him cringe and his stomach grunt, so he averted his eyes down to his foot.

“We’re running late for class, Cassy,” Balthazar gladly interjected and pulled his friend with him, not even daring to give more explanations to Dean other than a cold glare.

“Cas are you okay?” Dean insisted, his previous hesitation was now driven away by concern.

Castiel wanted to stay silent and just walk to his locker, reach the classroom without much drama, but he knew he was walking too slow to run away from Dean, no matter how much Balthazar helped. “I’m fine,” he finally replied without turning around. “Is just a scratch.”

Dean took the hint that Cas wanted to avoid him. Of course it had to do with what had been told over the phone before the weekend. He had been expecting an off reaction but it still felt weird to have his… friend, ignoring him the way he was. It was probably for the best to not bring that up again, so he walked past Castiel and went to his class.

They shared most of their classes, and it had become kind of a routine to be sitting next to each other. Like an unspoken rule for the first to arrive to save the next seat for the other, and absentmindedly, Dean put his back pack on what would be Cas’ seat, only to be surprised when Balthazar escorted him to the other side of the room to sit together. Far from the Winchester.

Same happened in History class, where habitually Castiel would give him tips on how to remember dates or names, making history not so boring. And Math class, where Dean would solve the equations first and let Castiel check results after he was done and usually correct some of his answers. Or Biology class, where they would share the microscope to have fun on their own, watching their shirt’s fabrics or a clipped nail or even their notebooks paper because they got bored after finished the assignments too quickly thanks to Castiel. It had been like that for a month, so it felt like a pressure in Dean’s chest not to have that now. He occasionally turned around to see Castiel, but the other guy was trying hard not to look back and instead had his eyes attentively fixed on the blackboard or his books.

Lunch break wasn’t any different, the table they unofficially called their own was now taken solely by Dean. Some girls joined him after a few minutes yet Castiel was nowhere to be found. The lockers were hell, everytime Dean tried to catch up with Castiel, Balthazar was there to pick up Cas’ books for him. It was childish for Castiel to be doing that to Dean, and they ended up not crossing another word the whole day.

First thing Dean thought when Bobby gave him the keys to drive the Dodge Charger 2011 for school was having the chance to talk with Castiel, maybe forget what had been told and move on with their same relationship so he could drive them both to and from school. He even thought it would be a convenient deal for them since they had the exact same route. But he was soon discouraged when he saw Castiel coming to the parking lot. With Balthazar. Again. Cas gave him a look and without even waving a goodbye hopped on the Chevy Silverado.

By the time Dean arrived home, Balthazar was just leaving the Novak’s driveway and Castiel was already inside his house, leaving Dean no window of opportunity to catch up with the guy.

“I think something happened to Cas… tiel.” Dean said once he was in the backyard with his brother, remembering not to use the nick he gave the other guy.

Sam was reading a book, face-down on the lawn. “You didn’t talk to him?”

“He wouldn’t even look me in the eye.” Dean sounded genuinely hurt, and for the time being he forgot it was his brother he was talking to.

“What did you do to him?” Sam was trying to pull the pieces together before he could decide whether to tell Dean or not.

“Nothing!” Dean said defensively. He didn’t think the phone conversation would be such a big deal, but that was only what he was hoping for.

“Are you sure?” Sam inquired some more. The last thing he remembered about Castiel was meeting him at their door to talk to Dean, then the next day he was in the hospital. “Maybe you told him something to upse-”

“I didn’t do anything,” and Cas wasn’t the kind of guy to avoid things, he would talk straight to him about it.

“Okay dude, relax.” Sam closed his book and rolled around to face his brother. He wouldn’t just miss the chance to talk to Dean while the man was willing to share. “Why don’t you call him if it bothers you so much?”

“I’ve tried. He’s not answering.” The phone still said it had been disconnected. What Dean ignored was that the phone broke in the accident and Cas hadn’t got the time to buy a replacement yet.

Sam immediately figured it out. “Well…”

Dean knew that tone of voice from his brother, the one he used when he knew something and wasn’t sure about telling dean about it. “You know what happened?”

“Dean… I don’t know…”

“Tell me.”

Sam hesitated for a minute. Dean had the glare that demanded answers but it didn’t seem like it was Sam’s place to say it, specially since all he knew were rumors and not the true story. “God, Dean, you get really bitchy when it comes to him.”

Dean rolled his eyes, trying to not let that comment affect him, but the realization hit him hard. He did get in a foul mood without Castiel and he didn’t like that. He lifted one hand to make an apologetic gesture along with a deep breathe. “Sorry.”

“Are you two… together?” Because Dean going to meet Lisa after a break up, and Cas getting drunk enough to crash because of it, sounded like the most plausible story there.

Dean wanted to dodge the question, maybe punch Sam in the shoulder to make him drop the subject, or get up and walk inside to end the conversation. But he couldn’t. “No we’re not,” he admitted, turning his eyes away from Sam.

“Why not?”

“Sam, what the hell?” Dean was for sure not having this conversation with his brother.

So Dean wasn’t going to fill any more blanks. Sam did what he thought was best and just tell him what he knew. “Look, Dean… people say he… uh, was in an accident while driving.”

Given what Dean knew about Castiel’s past with cars and alcohol, it wasn’t hard to figure out how he ended up in an accident, but since Cas was not answering the phone and the chances of getting to talk in his house were lower than back at the school, he decided to leave it for the next day.

 

* * *

 

**Tuesday**

The day started just like the day before, Cas getting out of Balthazar’s car and Dean parking a few rows away. The other guy was still limping so Dean caught up with him in no time. It had been a terrible night for the both of them. One felt stupid and somewhat guilty for avoiding his friend all day before, it had been Balthazar’s idea to not spend time alone with Dean so Cas was left with not much of a choice but to be dragged like a rag doll. He missed Dean, and a school day was just not the same without his dumb jokes every few minutes, but even he had to admit it felt less awkward to have space between them instead of being around Dean all day, knowing that the other man didn’t reciprocate his feelings. Meanwhile Dean spend the whole day with the gut feeling that Castiel got drunk because of what he said on the phone days ago, or more specifically, the way he said it. He needed to set things right to make sure Cas was going to be fine, that the whole _‘I like you but not that way’_ wasn’t going to spoil what they had. Somehow, this concerns were outshining the fact that Dean hadn’t got proper time to mourn John Winchester, and frankly Dean preferred not to dwell in that thought just yet.

“Cas I need to talk to you,” Dean called while taking a hold of the other guy’s shoulder to stop him from walking away.

Castiel flinched in pain, his arm had bruises that hurt when touched, and Dean’s grip had been stronger than he meant to. Balthazar jumped in when that happened, getting defensively in between his friend and the new guy. “Save it for someone who cares.”

That pissed off Dean for sure, “I wasn’t talking to you,” he glared at Balthazar before looking over his shoulder to address to the other boy “Cas, just give me a minute.”

Castiel found it awful to treat Dean like that, so he nudged Balthazar to give them a minute. Balthazar wasn’t very happy about it and whispered a warning against it but Cas shook his head and told him to go to class. The british boy reluctantly walked away, knowing that Cas was going to be stubborn, then disappeared through the school’s entrance.

“Cas…” Dean started as soon as the British boy was gone but Cas interrupted.

“Could you walk me as you speak? I wouldn’t want this to be the first time I am delayed for a class.”

Dean nodded with a soft chuckle, he found it funny that this guy so punctual to school and dedicated on his studies would be a drunk by night, or a popular kid for that matter. That dichotomy of Castiel was appealing in a weird way, he knew it meant problematic, but instead of walking away, he forced Castiel to put an arm around his neck as support to walk faster than he would on his own.

“It was pretty bad huh?”

“… you heard.” Cas didn’t know if to feel relieved for not having to admit it himself or ashamed because Dean found out from someone else.

In retrospective, if Dean had paid attention to the rumors spoken the day before at school, he would’ve heard it sooner. “Why did you do it, man?” He was in no position to scold his friend so he kept his voice in a calmed tone.

Cas had had that conversation on his own, trying to come up with a good response to give to Dean, but now that it was really happening, everything he had scripted seemed to vanish from his head and all he could say was the truth. “I felt… confused,” he paused because that confession was not as pitiful as the next one “alone.”

It was like a hook to the liver. Cas had a way to sugar coat his words but Dean had grown accustomed to read between the lines. “Look… what I said…”

“I don’t want to talk about that, Dean.” Cas interrupted, unwilling to go down that road for the moment.

“Well too bad, because I can’t stand you ignoring me every day.”

Castiel almost rolled his eyes, it was confusing enough to look at Dean and wanting more than a simple friendship when the other man had stated it wasn’t going to happen, then at the same time wasn’t letting him go. Mixed hints. “Can you honestly forget what I told you?”

Frankly, Dean couldn’t. It was constantly present in his mind, like a voice echoing in the background of every thought Dean had. His silence lingered for longer than it should have.

“I figured.” But Cas couldn’t blame him, he himself wanted to forget it too but it came back everytime he stared at Dean. It was something he wouldn’t be able to get rid of easily. “We can’t take back what we said. It’s done,” and it changed everything, it made it awkward whether they wanted to accept it or not.

“Doesn’t mean we can’t be friends, right?”

_‘I don’t want to be just your friend’_ , was the first thought that crossed Castiel’s mind, but he didn’t want to lose Dean either. “I’m not sure.”

“Come on Cas, give me a break.”

Castiel tilted his head at Dean as if he was unfamiliar with the expression before indulging in the request with a nod. They reached their class just in time, everyone was already sitting and the professor was not around yet. Balthazar was waiting on the other side of the room, the seat he saved for Castiel was now occupied by some girl that kept talking to him but she didn’t distract him when Dean dragged Cas inside. Balthazar glanced up to look at his friend and shook his head with a disappointed gesture, it was obvious to him that Cas had given into Dean yet again and it worried him it would lead to worse, but he knew it was bound to happen soon or later. His gaze followed them as they took their habitual seats side by side, and it was almost too cheesy to admit they did a good couple, which angered him because they were not a couple really. Dean was to be blamed for that.

Their interaction was not like it used to be. Dean joked but Cas was worried that laughing too much would make it evident that he loved Dean’s jokes, and at the same time was worried that not laughing would make the other guy feel bad, so he struggled to keep his laughter at the right tone, too forced and restricted, Dean noticed but for the sake of not creating an awkward tension, he let it go. Then when they were exchanging notes, Dean would lean in to check over Castiel’s shoulder but he was worried that getting too close would give the wrong impression not only to Castiel but to the rest of the group, there wasn’t really a reputation to protect since pretty much everyone in school thought of him as the lower class kid who got a lucky strike to move in town, but even without any appearance to keep, Dean didn’t want anyone thinking he had a thing for Castiel. Which he didn’t. At all. He was convincing himself of it. Which was hard when he felt gravitating towards Castiel’s scent when he leaned in enough to smell the other guy’s neck, close enough to watch the messy hair almost hitting his nose, close enough to have Castiel’s ear at mouth reach, and he couldn’t pull away because he knew that would make Castiel feel awkward. So he’d clear his throat, pat his friend on the back and turn back to take notes on his own notebook. Every. Single. Time. It was way too weird for Castiel but he too kept it to himself.

Then there was lunch break where they both stared at each other too deeply when one took a bite. It was almost as if Castiel’s confession was throwing a new light over him in Dean’s eyes, everything he did was displayed in slow motion, too precious not to look at, or maybe it was just that Dean forgot for a minute that he did not fell for Castiel and he paid closer attention to the other’s features. Meanwhile Castiel tried unsuccessfully not to think Dean looked hot while eating, or kissable when he drank water, or so freaking sexy when he lolled his head back and exposed a perfect neck. And before they realized that they were not talking at all, the bell rang to get back to class.

When the day was over, Balthazar had caught up with them to try and steal Castiel, thinking maybe he would be the one to give the boy a ride back home. Instead he found out Dean had already offered and of course Cas accepted. There was not much he could do anyway, Cas was falling hard for the Winchester guy, it was stronger than anything Balthazar could do or say, so he just faked a smile and warned them to be careful, meaning more than just careful on the road, then left them alone.

 

* * *

 

**Wednesday**

“He’s nice.” Sam said when Dean parked in front of their house.

It was the second day Dean drove them home, with Castiel on the front seat because Sam was supposedly too young to ride shotgun. He assumed the last day had been out of courtesy, Cas lived next to them so it wasn’t an inconvenience to get a ride, but today it had been more obvious to Sam why Dean offered to take the other guy with them. It wasn’t only Dean the one turning around to stare at Castiel every now and then, dangerously paying less attention to the road, Cas was also very focused on watching Dean drive, as if that was some kind of pornographic scene. They didn’t exclude the younger boy anyway, Cas was more than happy to talk with Sam about books and interests in common that neither of them would talk to Dean about, and the older Winchester took any chance he got to swell in pride of how smart his brother was, and occasionally make fun of him when he saw fit. All in all, Sam liked Castiel and could see why he befriended Dean so easily, the only thing making him awkward was the tension there was between his brother and the neighbor guy.

“Not your type though,” Sam joked.

“Shut up.” Dean sounded less displeased with the teasing as days passed, everytime Sam joked about Castiel, Dean would say something to avoid the topic but with every comment, there was a smile on his face. Like it was almost impossible not to smile with the thought of Castiel.

“Is not because he’s a guy. I mean… it’s because he’s not as outgoing as the girls you get laid with.”

“I swear I’ll kick your ass.”

“I think he likes you.” Sam finally dared to say, not minding if that would make Dean angry at him.

“Yeah,” Dean replied absentmindedly, a shadow of guilt lingering in the way he spoke.

“What? Wait, he told you he likes you?” Sam saw the chance to get answers and he took it. He was curious about his brother’s relationship with the guy who managed to put a smile on Dean’s face easily.

Dean and Cas didn’t talk about it anymore, they were truly trying to leave that in the past and move on as friends, but Cas did talk about what the community did once to a couple of guys that were found to be gay, how they practically vanished them from town and even threatened to sue one of them, so Dean assumed that Cas was wanted to keep it secret. “It’s none of your business Sammy,” he didn’t mean it offensively but more like making him understand it wasn’t something they should talk about.

“But it’s yours, isn’t it? You like him too.”

“I’m not gay.” Dean never truly noticed another guy in that way. At least none until Cas came into his life.

“Don’t try to label it, Dean. If you like him and-”

“I have homework to do, you should do the same,” Dean interrupted him and got out of the car to get inside the house and straight to his room.

Sam tried to follow but Dean practically ran, so the younger brother was left there at the entrance of the house. His own life was fine so far, he couldn’t honestly say he missed John except for the fact he was Dean’s role model, at least the good side of him, one that Sam never really got to see. It wasn’t much of a big change to Sam to be left without their father because in his eyes, Dean was the one who raised him, if anyone could come close to the title of father it was Dean, and for as much as he felt glad for Dean taking care of him, he was aware it was not his brother’s responsibility, so he felt guilty for giving him that burden. Things were different now with Bobby though, the man was taking the role of tutor very well and Dean seemed less stressed than he was back in Kansas, Sam could only be happy to see his brother relieved from the duty of getting a job or finding money to buy stuff for them both, but there was something missing in Dean’s life, his brother wasn’t happy and Sam wanted him to. And Castiel seemed to be that missing piece.

Meanwhile, Cas was dropping his bag on the floor of his room when the phone rang. He felt sore for having to walk so much back at the school, too stubborn to use the crutches as everyone insisted him to, all he wanted now was to lay down and have some rest. He stretched on the bed and let the answering machine take the call.

“Castiel, are you there?… Pick up… Castiel… Cassy,” Rachel’s voice was quite annoying.

She and Cas hadn’t spoke a lot recently, mostly because he had been attached to either Balthazar or Dean as support to walk without limping, but also because he was mad with her for spreading the news about his accident when she should have known he didn’t want it to be known. Additionally, things with her had been awkward since they kissed in the party before classes. Ever since then, they had some distance that she was now trying to close. It didn’t mean Cas wanted to.

“What?” Castiel grabbed the phone and spoke tiredly.

“I’m just worried for you, I’ve seen you at school but we haven’t got time to talk anymore,” she spoke in a friendly voice, almost too fake to be true.

Castiel sighed “I’m fine,” besides the bruises and his leg, he really was fine.

“Good, I’m glad… listen, there’s a party this Friday and-”

“I’m grounded,” Cas retorted, thinking it was obvious that the accident would get his father angry.

“Oh… because of the…” Rachel cleared her throat.

“The accident yes, you can say it. You’ve told everyone, why not me?”

“It slipped! I only told Sara, I didn’t know she would speak.” Her excuses sounded believable, Sara was a spoiled brat with a loose tongue, but Rachel had her blame as well.

“Forget it, it’s done.” Castiel was over it. Strange enough he wasn’t worried about people talking of him at school. The Student Council looked at him like he was some kind of junkie they had to stay away from, but he hadn’t been turned into an outcast just yet. And even if he was, he wouldn’t really mind now. “I can’t go to your party.”

“Please,” Rachel giggled ironically, “You can get out of your bedroom without being seen, it wouldn’t be the first time.” That was true, Cas was sneaky and didn’t have a hard time climbing up or down the facade of his house that lead to his window, he had done it in the past, but he didn’t have a reason for it now and his injuries wouldn’t allow. He was silent, considering for a moment, it was imprisoning to stay home with no parties to attend. “Is just one night. Come on, we hardly talk since you got that new pet.”

That last comment angered Castiel, “Insulting Dean is not the best approach to convince me.”

“Don’t take it literal,” Rachel said apologetically. “You can bring your boyfriend if you want,” she meant it as a joke of course but it got to Castiel on a personal level, even managing to make him jealous when she said “some of my friends would want to meet him intimately,” she laughed innocently. Her intentions were not to upset Castiel, but she knew he was fond of that new guy, she thought it was a good way to convince Castiel. Making him think his new friend was being slowly accepted in the community.

“He’s been very poignant of how much he despised the last party. I don’t think another one would please him.”

“And you? Your absence was noticed on Saturday at the charity event in Professor Singer’s house,” she paused a moment, “We thought you were spending time with that Kansas boy… well at least until we heard about the accident.”

“Why would it matter if I was with Dean?”

“I don’t like him. He seems a misleading company for you.”

If Castiel was honest to himself, **he** was the misleading company for Dean. The man had talked to him about his pact of not getting into trouble, Dean didn’t explain in detail why he was so determined of being the good boy he was asked to be, but Castiel didn’t need more explanations. Now, Cas was a troublemaker, the alcohol, the parties, the high-school drama, all of those things were part of his life whether he wanted them or not; none of it was a good influence on Dean if he truly wanted to stay out of trouble.

“You’ve made your feelings evident, but I do like him and I expect you to accept that.”

“And that’s why I’m inviting him too.”

“We can’t.” Castiel said naturally, almost as if he was already taking decisions for Dean. “I mean… I can’t, but I can ask him if he wants to meet your friends.”

“And you think he’ll come without you?” Rachel was now being passive aggressive. Her feelings for Castiel had not changed over the last month, but she resented the distance put between them with Dean’s arrival. It only spiced her annoyed whenever Cas rejected her.

Castiel shook his head and rolled his eyes, unwilling to go down that road again. Rachel accusing him of wanting to be with Dean was something he hardly forgot. Not because it wasn’t true but because he didn’t want her spreading a rumor, and after seeing what she did about the news of his car accident, he had to be more careful. “That’s up to him.” Then an awkward silence slipped in the phone call.

“Think about it and you tell me tomorrow,” Rachel finally broke the silence and hung up before Cas could say anything else.

He kept the speaker up to his ear for a moment, actually considering to go to the party only to get out of the house at night… and maybe have a drink again. Although he didn’t want his father to find out and change his mind about therapy, doing something worse like sending him to rehab or something. It hadn’t that bad, but disobeying him to go to yet another party was not the way to convince him of it. A few minutes passed before he decided not to go, it was for the best, then he hung up the phone to lay down and get some rest for his leg, but as soon as the speaker was down, it rang again. Uriel calling to finish Rachel’s work at convincing Cas.

 

* * *

 

**Thursday**

It was soccer practice day after school, Dean liked the fact that the guys in the team were much simpler than the rest of the school, just like him. It was easy to be around them when they had sports and girls to talk about instead of money, business and gossips. He wouldn’t call any of them friends but at least he found himself in a good ambient when surrounded with them. The showers sure as hell proved him he was **not** gay at all, but his confidence about that statement didn’t last long. As soon as he came out to the field, his eyes traveled to the bleachers where Castiel smiled and waved at him, pretty much in the same way than the times back in Kansas when he would go to the public basketball courts and take Sam with him, the younger boy would be reading a book but lifted his gaze when Dean was finally there, and Sam would look so proud of him, something Dean hadn’t got from anyone else… until now… and he wanted to think of the bond with Castiel as similar to the brotherly love with Sam, but deep inside he knew it was something entirely different. He was so lost in his thoughts that he didn’t hear when the coach’s whistle announced the start of the practice, because he was drowned for a moment in the pair of blue eyes across the field.

Castiel didn’t feel uncomfortable in the bleachers waiting for Dean to get out of the dressing room. The uniform suit him very very well and it was one of the few occasions Cas could stare without being worried of Dean finding it awkward, or fearing someone would notice where his eyes landed. There were plenty of other guys who waited for their friends, or just hung out with their girls on the bleachers. It wasn’t really odd to see a guy there, so it was a good cover. At this point he was more than sure that his attraction for Dean wasn’t something he’d get over with, sure he had felt it towards a person or two, mostly famous people that he knew were unattainable, but Dean was right there, touchable and the best part was that there was already a relationship there. The sad part was that Dean was still unattainable in the way Cas was wishing now. His doubts were still bugging him every now and then. Making him turn his eyes down to his feet or looking away at the scoreboard that wasn’t used unless it was a real game, but it helped to remind himself that no matter how much he wanted Dean, it wasn’t possible.

Cas waved again when the whistle sounded and the other players started running but Dean stood there like a stone. He made a gesture with his hand and Dean quickly shook the sensation off, turned his attention back to the field and started running too. It was because of things like that, that Castiel considered that maybe a part of Dean wanted something more too. The stares, the way they accidentally touched, the lingering contact when Dean hugged him with one arm or Castiel patted Dean’s shoulders. He usually dismissed it as thinking it was just his mind playing cruel jokes on him. Dean wasn’t so sure about that, his brain seemed to tell him no, but his body responded differently. The sight of Castiel, or the mere thought, made him smile for no reason. He knew the signs, he had seen them countless times on girls who fell for him when he was only looking for a one-night stand. He was just trying hard to deny it for himself.

“Gotta admit I can see the appealing in that outfit,” Rachel said after taking a seat behind Castiel, taking him off guard and making him jump startled.

“What?” Castiel asked confused, partially because he wasn’t paying much attention to his surroundings.

“I mean… he’s hot.”

Cas frowned subconsciously, “Who?”

“Winchester. Is he not who you’re looking at?”

“No… I’m watching the game.” Terrible liar alert.

“Cas…” he had forgotten Rachel knew about his dislike for sports. He shrugged, “is not even a game, is just practice.”

“Well I have some free time and Dean is my ride home, so I have to wait.” It wasn’t exactly true of course, just the excuse.

“I can take you home,” she offered, taking the opportunity to her favor.

“… well… I was actually waiting to talk to him, about your party. I didn’t get the chance yet.”

“How is that possible? You spent the whole day with him.” Rachel sounded displeased now, trying to blame Castiel for not spending time with her as they used to.

“We talk about other things.” _Important things_ , he wanted to say, and Rachel’s party did not figure among them, but he refrained from being so mean.

She didn’t say anything to that, instead settled to watch the players run around or looking at the back of Castiel’s neck. She couldn’t figure out what could Castiel have in common with Kansas-boy, they were opposite poles. Cas was smart and classy… except for the alcohol thing but even then he was a quiet and high-class, making it up to the Novak’s name in Crystal Heights. Dean was the classic jock who arrived school blasting hard rock music on his stereo, walked around in clothes that fit a punk from the numbered streets, talked a lot in class; even the way he walked and talked made it evident he wasn’t from around, and while some girls found it attractive, Rachel thought of it as despicable. The only excuse to that was because he had a lot of attention from Castiel, but that was going to get fixed after the party. If Dean could hook up with one of her friends then he’d leave Castiel alone.

“Okay, I hope you both can make it,” she said before kissing Castiel’s neck and standing up to walk away.

“I’ll see what I can do,” he whispered but Rachel was now too far to hear.

The practice ended up after an hour. Fortunately Naomi knew Cas was going to stay at school a bit longer so he knew there was not going to be any complaints when he got home later than usual. Dean looked sexy soaked in sweat, even as he approached to tell Castiel to wait by the car, the smell wasn’t nauseating as one would think. It was… inexplicably appealing and Cas had to use all his will strength to nod at his friend and not look like a hypnotized fool that wanted nothing else than press his body against that sweaty body without clothes in between. Dean simply shot an odd look at him, asking briefly if Cas was okay to which he only received another silent nod as response, then ran to the showers.

It was beyond his will now, Cas had truly tried not to fall for Dean but it was impossible not to like everything about him. Without even noticing how he got there, Cas was standing next to Dean’s car and the other guy arrived shortly after.

“Cas are you okay?” Dean asked once again when his friend seemed lost in his thoughts. Like something was worrying him.

“I’m fine” Cas said with a voice gruffer than usual. It would be a lie if Dean said that tone of voice wasn’t sexy.

“Ready to go then?”

Castiel nodded and walked around the car to the passenger seat. His feet now more able to step on, and Cas had insisted all day to be left to walk alone. No need to be touching Dean all day when only God knew where Castiel’s hands would land the next time.

“Did Professor Singer gave you this car?” It was the first time they were truly alone in the car. As it was a practice day, Sam was bound to get picked up by Bobby and brought home, instead of Dean doing it.

“Eh, no. He just let me use it because he knows I’ll take care of it.” It was a good reason because that car had been dusting in the garage for months, which is why Castiel never saw it before. “Is not my Impala but it does the trick.”

Castiel tilted his head in that cute way he always did when baffled. “Your… Impala?”

Dean laughed, remembering that Cas didn’t know the first thing about cars. “Yeah it’s a Chevy Impala, year 67. Best car in the world.” At least for Dean.

“You mean the one that crashed?”

“Yeah,” Dean pondered for a minute. They hadn’t really have a heart-to-heart conversation in a while. It was usually jokes around, homework stuff, their likes and dislikes. A simple getting to know each other on a surface level, and Dean had been fine with it so far because he didn’t know how to let anyone else in. He never let anyone close enough for that. Then there was Cas, coming into his life so suddenly that he barely noticed when they were friends, he barely noticed that they hung around too often or that they were always talking to each other. It felt natural and right. So he let his guard down for a second and instead of shrugging like he would always do, he turned to look at Cas. “My dad crashed it.”

Oh. So that was the bottom line of the Dean Winchester Mystery, Castiel had been trying to get his own conclusion but there was that part missing. Dean’s dad crashing finally completed the puzzle. So he nodded in understanding, he knew Dean wouldn’t want to talk about it. Cas wanted to know more, everything, whatever happened to Dean. Sure they were friends so far but if they were honest to themselves, they didn’t know anything about the other, and he thought it was time to fix that. If he truly was interested in Dean, the least he could do was be a good friend, and that meant lending an ear for anything Dean had to say. He didn’t put pressure either way, it was up to Dean if he wanted to say anything or not, and it was the first time he ever mentioned his father. Unsure of what else to say, he stayed silent.

“It just went to hell, and the car was lost.” Was all Dean said with an angry tone, just wanting to spit that out and move on. He turned on the engine and drove away.

It was awkward for a minute and Dean knew it. He had seen that face in a lot of girls in the past, everytime they asked something personal, Dean would shut down and turn cold, sometimes when the questions were way too personal he would even demand them to get out of the car. He even lost guilt after a few times and it was less painful to push them away, but Castiel’s face was different, more empathetic instead of pitiful, and Dean didn’t want to do the same to him. So he turned on the radio on a soft rock station that he knew Cas liked, so they could talk about something else. Cas didn’t seem to mind and just went on with it.

“You know…” Dean said before Castiel could open the door to get out of the car when they parked in front of the Novak residence. Cas looked back at Dean, frozen with his hand on the handle, then waited for the other guy to keep talking. “Sam needs some stuff for school and Bobby is giving a conference right now…”

There was a small pause as if Dean wanted Cas to get the hint with that much, obviously wasn’t working.

“Well… he left us money to go buy them but we need to go to the shopping center…”

“Dean, I know you’re trying to ask me something but I’m not sure what it is.” Cas interjected with a small frown.

“Would you mind coming with us?” he finally said, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. As if it meant more than it actually was.

Castiel’s eyes wandered towards his front door, considering his options, then back at Dean with a small grin, “I could buy myself a new phone.”

“Is that a yes?” Dean felt nervous for some reason. It was definitely not a date, since his little brother was going to be there, so he wasn’t sure why he was being so lame.

“Yes, Dean. I’ll go with you.” He would need permission first, “Meet me here in half an hour.”

“Awesome,” Dean said with a tone of excitement that shouldn’t have been that evident. “Thanks Cas, I’ll repay you with an ice cream or something.”

It didn’t take a lot to convince Naomi to let him go to the shopping center, a new phone was technically a priority since it would keep him communicated with their father. That wasn’t the main reason but it was enough to have his sister agreeing to it. It was only a bit more difficult asking his father to unlock his credit card so he could buy the phone, but thankfully the conversation took place over the phone since Michael wasn’t home, as usual, and after a few minutes his father told him to go buy it. He immediately went upstairs to get his backpack on his room, change his shirt, grab his wallet and then walk outside to meet with the Winchesters.

It sounded like the perfect time for Sam to try talking to Castiel instead of Dean, knowing that the other guy was probably more receptive. So as soon as Dean told him that Cas was going with them, he grinned pleased with the idea. Dean was sure that having his brother around would ease the tension between him and Castiel, with Sam around it was easier to remind themselves of not staring too long, or not lick their lips in that obscene manner they tended to do when their eye contact lingered more than socially acceptable. Sam would be there to keep them grounded. And Dean was thankful for that.

As promised, after half an hour, Dean was parking in front of the Novak house, this time Sam was there and sitting on the passenger seat –it had been Dean’s idea– and for as much as it felt weird to ride on the backseat, there was nothing Cas wanted or could to say to have it differently. He greeted Sam as he always did, a large smile on his face and a firm handshake then hopped behind Sam’s side, strategically positioned to look at Dean over the rear mirror (totally not coincidental). They talked as casually as ever, Sam seemed to provide the soothing presence Dean wanted, and in no time they were driving into the shopping center’s parking lot.

First thing to visit was Sam’s materials for school, more books, a formal shirt and slackers that neither Dean or Cas dared to ask about, some papers, etc. Then they headed to get Castiel a phone; it was unreasonable how much they costed, at least for the Winchesters, while Castiel didn’t seem to mind for the price and paid without even blinking. Yet another proof of how different their worlds were. After that, Dean took them to get the promised ice cream, leaded by Castiel of course, who knew the town like the back of his hand.

They reached the piers and walked shortly until they were outside a small establishment that didn’t seem to be much of a big deal like Dean was expecting but he couldn’t complain on the simplicity of it. It was actually nice to have tables outside so they could watch the ocean while they ate. Cookies and Cream was Sam’s choice while Cas asked for Chocolate Almond, they laughed as Dean complained for the two of them plotting to force Dean get into the ice cream shop alone instead of coming in with him but Sam insisted. It was his time to talk with Cas alone.

“He likes you,” Sam said casually as Dean walked into the store and far to listen to them.

It didn’t sound very important to Castiel, just one random comment as they kept laughing about Dean’s annoyed gestures. “I suppose you can say that,” Castiel said, and his brain provided to complete the sentence with: just not like I wished.

“He can be a jerk sometimes, but he’s a good man.” Castiel just nodded at that. He knew that much about Dean. “He’s just had a complicated life.”

“We all have, different way but same intensity.” Cas thought of his own life as a mess, a complicated mess that seemed to get harder by the day. If he knew of Dean’s past he would slap himself for comparing his rich boy problems with the emotional wreck that was Dean’s life; but so far he could tell they were just as screwed.

“Don’t get this the wrong way but… you don’t know what my brother has been through.”

“He wouldn’t tell me. How am I supposed to know?”

“Well he’s not good with words when it comes to his personal stuff.” Even Sam found it hard to break that barrier some times.

“That’s fine, he has no reasons to tell me anything. Really.” Cas turned around to stare at the beach instead of the store. A metal railing separated the wooden floor of the piers from the sand a few levels down, and Cas leaned to rest his arms on it.

“He does have reasons… he’s just… too stubborn to admit it.”

That’s what hit Castiel, he thought the conversation was heading on a different direction, the last thing he expected was to have the younger Winchester talking to him about what was going on between him and Dean. Or for Sam to even be aware of any of it… unless… “Has he said anything to you?” he asked curiously, eyes widened in anticipation.

“No, but he’s different with you. I can tell.” And Sam was right, it was easier talking with Castiel about it than his brother.

“Different how?”

“Well… happy, I suppose.” He didn’t suppose, he knew, but he was doing enough by getting involved to even dare outing Dean so blatantly.

Castiel breathed out a laugh “Aren’t you too young to be talking about this? Or to even know anything about it?”

Sam shrugged, maybe he was too young to understand how relationships worked. Or maybe Dean and Cas were too dumb to realize how simple things could be. “You just have to be patient with him.” he asked instead.

Castiel wondered for a minute about that. Being patient was not going to lead anywhere, it wasn’t like time would make Dean gay, or that it would make Castiel stop falling in love with him. Being patient was not going to let them reach the level of just friends. “Sure,” he said anyway, because he didn’t feel like unloading all his inner struggle on Dean’s little brother.

That was when Sam began noticing certain similarities with the two guys, Cas could also be cold with his answers and distant, but he had a more subtle (and less aggressive) way of ending a topic he was uncomfortable with. “Do you like my brother?”

Castiel thought for a second that it was risky to admit something like that to someone other than Dean, but looking into Sam’s eyes he knew the younger boy wasn’t being judgmental, just sympathetic. Then after some hesitation and wetting his dry mouth at least twice, he nodded.

“Maybe if you tell him…”

“I already did,” Castiel rubbed the back of his neck and looked away, as if it was shameful to say that. “but he… he… doesn’t…”

Sam opened his mouth to say something but was shut right away when Dean came out of the store with their ice creams. “Here, I bought you a small one because you’re not s’posed to miss bedtime,” Dean teased his brother, who made the classic irritated face.

“You’re a jerk,” Sam said, it was a different tone, hinting at Castiel about his previous comment. _He can be a jerk sometimes_. Almost as if he tried to tell him that Dean did like him back, just was too much of a **jerk** to act on it. If that was the case, Cas could totally understand why Dean didn’t want to pursue anything, maybe Cas had had it wrong all along. Dean was in the closet just as much as Cas.

The three of them sat at one of the tables to finish their ice cream, a clear sunset starting to bath the sky with an orange haze, the beach emptying from surfers and swimmers, the streets getting crowded with families, the sound of waves splashing in the sand giving a harmonic background sound, and everything looked so peaceful for Dean in that moment. It was foolish to attribute it to Castiel’s presence but it was true, he felt that way because Cas was around and his brother was happy. There was nothing better.

As they walked back the car, Sam ran ahead to give at least one moment of privacy to his brother and the other boy. It was one thing to help them fix their issues, and one entirely different to watch them casually letting their legs touch each other under the table, or stare into the other’s eyes so stupidly in love; too much for Sam to see, so it was his chance to get away from that for a minute.

“There’s a party tomorrow,” Castiel started talking, “Rachel asked me to invite you.”

Dean laughed, “She did? Since when does she want me around?”

“She said some of her girl friends requested your assistance.”

Dean looked almost surprised at that, but he knew what that meant. Girls wanting him around could only be for eye candy, and the expectation of sex. About a month ago, Dean wouldn’t have had to even think about it, women and booze was his kind of thing, even if they were rich spoiled girls like the ones in C.H. It should have been an absolute yes. But if he was honest to himself, he was not interested in other people. As odd as it sounded to himself, he didn’t want to meet those girls.

“Is your friend Balthazar driving you, or should I take you?” He asked out of courtesy, knowing the answer beforehand.

“I’m not going.” And that was definitely not the answer Dean was expecting. “After the accident…” it was still awkward to talk about it, like it was taboo for Castiel, so he sounded timid as he tried to elaborate, “my father forbade me to go to any more parties until I go to therapy.”

“Therapy?” Dean answered with the same shock Cas did the first time he was told about it. “Why?”

Castiel sighed and played with his jacket’s sleeves out of nervousness, “He believes I may be derailed from… _the right path_.” He marked his words with an ironic tone to mock their meaning. “He believes me an addict.”

Maybe it was just Dean’s point of view but that concept didn’t seem to fit Castiel at all. Dean knew alcoholism and how a true addict looked like, behaved and spoke. He skipped the part where his first encounter with the boy had been when he was passed out on his own yard, too drunk to walk on his own, only because he got the chance to meet a different side of Castiel since then. One that didn’t reflect any sign of the addiction. He laughed, thinking for a minute that it was a joke.

“My first session is this Saturday… and I promised him not to drink until then.”

“Wait… are you serious?”

“Yes.” Honestly, when was Castiel ever not serious?

“And… you’re okay with that? The therapy I mean.”

“No, of course not. I’m not a drunk… or a suicidal. But my father leaves me no choice.”

“Whoa whoa… hold on, rewind for a sec. Why would he think you’re suicidal?”

Damn, Castiel had forgotten that the only people who knew it wasn’t just alcohol were his family and Balthazar… and probably Kim’s parents who would notice a couple of pain killers missing. “I… uh… the night of the accident… it wasn’t just alcohol what caused me to crash.” He looked away from Dean. He had perceived the disappointment in Michael’s voice, in Naomi’s eyes and in Balthazar’s sigh. He didn’t want to see it in Dean’s face. “I took some pills.”

Dean grabbed Castiel’s arm to stop him from walking, Cas grunted again, his bruises were still hurting and Dean let go when he realized, “Sorry about that,” he asked with an apologetic look that quickly morphed into a concerned one, “What kind of pills?”

Cas sighed, and dared to look at Dean. He didn’t see disappointment in his eyes, just worry. “Pain killers,” he whispered while staring into the green hues, as if they were truth serum.

“Why would you do that?” But did he really want to know the answer? It was really unfair to demand personal answers when Dean himself was reluctant to talk about him. And yet, he wanted to know. “Cas you could have killed yourself.”

“I know.”

“Is that what you wanted?”

“No!” He wanted to stop feeling, to stop thinking. Why couldn’t people understand that? “It doesn’t matter, I’m fine.” But then a thought crossed his mind; what if Dean thought Cas would kill himself for him? That would be really creepy, and maybe he took the pills to forget about Dean but it wasn’t like he was obsessed with the man, so he lied “It wasn’t abou-” but then Sam interrupted.

“Can we go home now?” he asked, impatiently watching how his brother and Castiel were walking painfully slow to the car.

The road back to Bobby’s house was more quiet now, Sam didn’t take it so well, thinking that maybe his intrusion had cause some friction, when in reality was just Dean and Cas waiting for some other time to finish their conversation. Led Zeppelin helped to make it enjoyable for all involved but the lack of conversation was starting to feel uncomfortable, and Sam was the first one to break the silence, “Your phone is cool, Cas.”

Dean would have mocked the poor attempt of small talk, but instead was actually glad that he was cutting the awkward tension, and even his tight grip on the wheel loosened. Cas turned around on his seat to look at Sam and smiled, “I’m actually glad that I could change my old brick of a phone.”

“Do you think I can get your number?” the younger boy asked shyly, taking both Dean and Cas off guard, Dean almost hit the break, Cas frowned confused but after a look over his shoulder at Dean he figured it didn’t hurt for Sam to have his number and he gave it to him.

Dean drove up to the porch of ~~Bobby’s house~~ his house, then cursed a loud “Shit,” when he remembered Cas was also there and he was supposed to drop him off too. Sam laughed and instantly got out of the house before he could say a joke that could have Dean blushing.

“It’s okay, Dean… I can walk 60 feet to my house,” not that he knew the exact distance between his door and Dean’s.

But before Cas stepped out of the car, Dean grabbed his arm. Cas flinched again. “I’m sorry… I keep forgetting you’re still hurt. But uh… do you want to come in?”

Castiel didn’t answer right away, instead he studied Dean’s face, as if that would help him decide whether it was a good idea or not; but he had made his choice long before Dean even asked. “Yes.”

They both stepped out of the car and walked to the door, Sam had left it open before he went inside towards his room with a couple of bags on each hand. The younger Winchester was going to be busy organizing the stuff they bought for him and Bobby was most likely staying late on his conference, so it was basically the whole ground floor for Dean and Castiel alone. It was the first time Cas got to see the inside of the house in full detail, the night he met Dean barely counted because he was just thinking about getting out as fast as he could and paid no attention to the living room. It looked bright and well organized. Tons of books as well but that was expected from a University professor so devoted like Bobby Singer.

“Lovely house,” he offered once Dean guided him through a hall towards living room.

Dean didn’t reply, it wasn’t really a compliment for him, since the house was Bobby’s, but he smiled at Cas for the intention. “You want something to drink?”

“Dean,” he basically scolded, “you didn’t invite me in for a drink. What’s on your mind?”

“You want something or not?” Dean said with a joking tone, anything he could do to delay what he had been meaning to ask.

Cas sighed and swayed his eyes away from Dean, “Water.”

Dean took his time to pour a glass of water and some (apparently diet) coke for himself, casually walking slowly, or looking inside the fridge for everything that was there and not just the coke, maybe Cas wouldn’t like tap water, so Dean threw the water in the sink to pour him some bottled water. Although, he didn’t really wash the previous glass so maybe it was contaminated, so he grabbed a new glass.

Enough was enough, and Castiel confronted him in the kitchen after he got tired of waiting. “Quit stalling, talk to me.”

Dean looked bothered with that statement. In all honesty he was just trying to figure out what could possibly have driven his friend to take prescription pills like that. He wasn’t stranger to overdoses, and he knew they could get very nasty, it was only natural to feel concerned about him. But that wasn’t what was bothering him. His concern was unusual for him, normally he wouldn’t mind about his friends this strong, or maybe it was because he hadn’t had friends like Cas before, or maybe because Cas wasn’t a friend at all and was something more. Dean really really wanted to think that his concern didn’t mean anything more than just that, but something inside his chest kept telling him otherwise, and he hated that feeling.

Cas on the other hand was thinking something a bit different, and once Dean put the glasses down on the counter, ready to speak, Cas continued with his assumption. “I didn’t do it because of you.” Which wasn’t exactly true; but he thought saying it would make Dean act normal again.

“Where did that even come from?” Dean asked with a huge frown, annoyed, angry, confused. All mixed up in an expression that told Castiel it would have been better to keep it to himself. “I wasn’t even… why would I think… what the hell, man?”

“I thought you could think I was depressed when you turned me dow-”

“Well I wasn’t!” Dean interrupted, voice raising a few tones louder, “but now you’re making me think so,” and fuck that was just a terrible feeling of guilt that he didn’t need. “Is that what it was about?”

“… no,” but the lie could be easily read on his eyes.

“Then maybe you do need that therapy,” Dean answered quickly. He couldn’t be blamed though, in the rush of an argument, harsh words come out from the adrenaline and they can hurt without intending to.

_‘So you think I’m crazy’_ , Castiel thought but didn’t speak out. He didn’t really have to, his glossy eyes were doing a good job for him.

The following awkward silence didn’t last too long, thankfully, since Bobby arrived to the house and entered the kitchen to get himself a beer. Both teenagers were frozen, silent, just staring at each other like they wanted to say something else but thought it was better not to. Bobby didn’t mean to interrupt, but anything was better than that heavy atmosphere surrounding them, “Castiel, what are you doing here kid?”

As if the older man’s voice had summoned him back to earth, Castiel blinked a couple of times before turning around to see Bobby, the redness of his eyes only enhanced the deep blue pupils, and yet his cheeks were still dry. But maybe not for long. “I was just leaving,” he tried to say but instead came out as a very wrecked whisper. And he darted out of the house.

Dean wasn’t going to be blamed on this, not this time. He hadn’t done anything wrong. So he didn’t deserve the look that Bobby gave him right after Cas left the room. And he darted out too, towards his bedroom.

 

* * *

 

**Friday**

The day at school left a bitter taste on their mouths, Dean and Castiel looked like they had just taken 5 steps back and suddenly it was Monday morning all over again, with Cas ignoring Dean and doing the impossible to stick with Balthazar, except this time Dean wasn’t really trying to go to him and talk. What else was there to say anyway? Cas practically admitted taking the pills because of the phone call, and it was actually creepy to believe someone would do that just because he didn’t reciprocate. Or more like he didn’t admit it. And then Dean practically called him crazy, sending him to therapy when Cas clearly say he wasn’t an alcoholic or suicidal, Dean wanted to believe him of course, and those blue eyes were telling him he wasn’t lying, but maybe therapy was the best for Castiel. He just wished Cas didn’t take it that personal but he just didn’t know how to act all concerned without looking like the worried boyfriend that he totally wasn’t. That feeling, of not knowing how to be around Cas without crossing a line that Dean wasn’t willing to take, that was the real problem that caused Dean to act so stupidly. But Cas wasn’t any better, he was adamant on his opinion about therapy, about his drinking problem, and anything told to him about was just a trigger to a turmoil of emotions that he couldn’t really hold inside, and he overreacted more than he should’ve.

By the end of the school day, Dean didn’t even wait for Castiel at the parking lot, knowing that his tantrum would last long enough to ride back home with Balthazar. And when did Dean Winchester turned into a soup opera actor? But he wasn’t wrong because Cas had asked Balthazar for a ride before the school day even started.

“I didn’t know Professor Singer had kids,” Naomi spoke after Cas arrived home from school.

Naomi was a graduate and worked on a variable schedule that allowed her to be home during the day, most of the days. It wasn’t the first time she watched her younger brother coming out of the Chevy Silverado that always announced the presence of Balthazar, but this was the very first time she saw him be in such a crappy mood right away. Instead of taking his time to say goodbye to his friend, Cas just looked around towards the other car that arrived just a minute later, and stormed inside the house. The other car, a navy blue Dodge Charger drove into the next door driveway; Naomi had noticed that car the past week. Castiel had been arriving with them for the past days. At first she thought it was just a convenience arrangement, the other boy looked a bit older than Castiel but seemed like he was attending the same school so probably they came home together since they lived so close; Then she realized something more with her brother, the smiles he used to lack, the energy he usually reserved for parties, and most remarkably the sobriety. Cas had never been an evident drunk, he didn’t stagger nor talked funny, but his clothes and breath usually had a hint of vodka or brandy only noticeable when you paid close attention to him. And the past week was as if a whole new version of his brother was been handed to her. Until today.

“Who is he?” she asked curiously, not giving Cas a chance to run upstairs to his room.

“I don’t know,” Cas answered with a sad tone. It was true, he didn’t know much of Dean’s past except that he came into town because Bobby had to take tutorship over them, and he was starting to think that both his parents had died but he preferred not to guess and instead wait for Dean to tell him when he was ready. Now he wasn’t so sure that would ever happen. “He moved in here this year,” and shrugged like he didn’t care.

Naomi gestured for them to go to the living room. It meant a conversation that Castiel was honestly not looking forward to have. They went to sit on the couch, side by side, Naomi slightly turned to face her brother.

“You seem close.” She wasn’t implying anything, just interested to know.

“I don’t think so,” he admitted coldly. He really though they were close, but Dean telling him to go to therapy too… well that proved he was no different than Naomi or Michael. Dean didn’t understand him either, which was just perfect because then he could stop falling for him, but was all wrong because Cas had this heartbreaking feeling that had been haunting him since the last talk with the Winchester.

“So who is he?” she repeated.

Castiel stared for a while at his sister, trying to understand why suddenly she was asking about Dean. “What do you want to know?” it came out more defensively than he intended.

Naomi considered her words before speaking again, “Just that, who is he? You’ve been spending time with him, haven’t you? I barely even see Balthazar anymore, or Uriel.”

“I thought it’s what you and father wanted.”

“No we didn’t want you to stop hanging out with your friends.”

“They drink and go to parties,” he said coldly, “that’s all you two wanted me to avoid, hence I don’t go out with them.”

Naomi nodded trying to be understanding to what sounded like the saddest thing she’d heard from her brother, for Castiel to refrain from his hanging out with his closest friends, but at least he was being obedient. “And this new guy…”

“Dean,” he offered.

“Dean…” repeated Naomi to get a hold on the name, “what do you do with him?”

“What?” The fear of someone finding out of his crush on another guy was always present, an innocent question like Naomi’s held a complete different meaning when it reached Castiel’s paranoiac ears. “I just… we talk, listen to music, study…” what a normal friend does.

“No alcohol?” She was never guided by prejudices, Dean had the type for a trouble maker, something that Naomi didn’t want for Castiel, but she wasn’t one to judge first and ask questions later. She just wanted to make sure.

“No alcohol. I don’t actually remember seeing him drinking at all.” Not even at the party, and if Dean got drunk back then, Cas never found out.

“Good.” Naomi said, finishing the interrogatory and standing up.

Castiel saw a chance right there, he knew he wasn’t good at lying at least to his sister, but that small talk had comforted her, and perhaps even made her trust Dean enough for Cas to use it as an excuse to go to the party. “There’s a party tonight.”

“You know you can’t go,” Naomi stated firmly as she stepping into the kitchen, unwilling to discuss further. Cas followed her.

Dean never actually said he wasn’t going to the party, but he seemed more inclined not to, and that was good enough for Castiel to go, Balthazar was right and he needed time away from Dean, maybe this party was it. But in order to get permission, he had to use the only card he had available against his sister. Dean and the good influence he had in Castiel.

“Dean is going too,” total lie. “And he knows about my abstinence, and therapy. He wouldn’t let me drink.”

“Stop insisting, Castiel.”

“It’s Friday night.” He said louder than before, as if that argument was enough. Only because he went out every Friday didn’t mean he was still allowed, not after the recent events.

“Yes, which means you need to go to bed early so you don’t oversleep for your appointment tomorrow.”

“I’ve already told father I’m going, I’ve kept my promise of not drinking anything. It’s insane!” As if he was some kind of psychopath and they wanted to keep him in a padded room.

“What is insane is that you almost killed yourself. Is that what you wanted?” Their tone raised with every phrase. And that question made his stomach curl inside him, the exact same question Dean asked.

“If I wanted to, I would have succeeded.”

Naomi had her hand on the fridge’s handle, opening the door to grab a bottle of water but Castiel’s comment angered her more than he could imagine. She slammed the door closed and glared at him furiously. “Then stop acting like you’re worthless! Your misdemeanors worry me, God! I wouldn’t be surprised if this wasn’t the first time you took something.” Castiel looked away at that. “You think this is new for us? Gabriel used to do the same, and he was far worse than you. Father was lost when it came to dealing with Gabriel, and we just want you to stop before you end up like him.”

“Why? because he’s out there doing what he wants instead of what father wants him to?”

Castiel didn’t know much about their brothers, they both were enough years older than him to have a life he didn’t know about. A childhood and adolescence Castiel didn’t witness because he hadn’t been born yet, but the mental picture he had of Gabriel wasn’t a bad one: It was of freedom, outside of the house and growing into what he wished, his job, his house, everything was picked on his own will instead of shoved down his throat by Michael, like it was happening to Castiel. Naomi was different, for some reason she was attached to their father on purpose.

“Just because you love living under father’s grip doesn’t mean we-” and that was enough for Naomi. She slapped Castiel to make him shut up. He knew nothing.

“Now you listen to me.” She was firm, more than ever, eyes frowning severely. “I said you can’t go and that’s final.” And without more to add, she violently opened the fridge to grab the water she wanted then slammed it again, making Castiel jump startled at the sound of it. His hand upon his cheek to ease the pain from the impact that had probably opened up a wound or two that hadn’t fully healed.

His family was very dysfunctional, it was not him who needed therapy, it was all of them.

 

On the house next door, Dean was tumbling down on the couch, shoes off and a soda in one hand. The weekend had finally arrived and he wanted nothing else but to lay down and sleep the whole two days and three nights in a row. It had been the longest week he ever had, with all the stuff going on with Castiel, it felt like it would never end. Everything in school was fine, his grades were as good as any average teenager’s, the soccer team had already accepted him and even the coach was starting to notice him, probably for a position in the field instead of the bench for the next game. Back home his brother Sammy seemed happy and whenever Dean eavesdropped on his room, he would hear him talking nonstop over the phone; Bobby was busy as usual but he always met them for dinner, always buying different kinds of food that Dean never thought he’d taste, his lifetime menu was just burgers with fries and pie, but there in C.H. he was starting to grow fond of Chinese, Thai, Italian (his favorite). All in all, it was a beautiful life. Except for Castiel.

Dean hadn’t even had his time of grieving over his father, whenever he felt the emptiness of his broken family crawl up to his shoulders, Castiel had been there to distract him with one or other thing, whether it was a polo match or a party, the beach, a fucking ice cream at the pier. Dean hadn’t even realized the extent of Cas’ effect on him until that night, when he felt like the bridge to Cas was falling down and that they might not recover from the pile of issues that built up. Now that he was starting to feel like he completely lost his friend, there was nothing to stop the weight of his father’s death.

John used to be Dean’s role model for as long as he could remember, used to be the man Dean aspired to be. At least until Mary died and John lost his mind, unintentionally bringing Dean down with him. It became Dean’s burden to take care of the family after that, and now that he didn’t have that responsibility he felt idle, as if his purpose was gone and he was just as useless. Then Castiel arrived, and for that tinniest moment, he would feel less empty. But that wasn’t a relieving thought, it was terrifying how similar it was the feeling with Cas than years back when he was with Lisa, so similar that Dean was worried about its meaning. He couldn’t be in love with Castiel, it was not possible, it was not right.

With John around this would be easier for Dean. Say he accepted that he had feelings for the other boy, it wouldn’t make a difference since his father wasn’t going to approve that in a thousand years, and that single fact would help Dean to bury such feelings and forget about them. But the absence of his father left a void in his life, almost like a burden was lifted and Dean was free to be himself without emulating what his father did, but that wasn’t exactly a good feeling for him, with no direction to follow he didn’t know what to do next, or what to expect from himself. He was lost without John, but he wanted to cling to whatever was left of his old man in him, and Castiel was just blurring everything.

His mind told him to go to the stupid party and follow Rachel’s wishes to pair himself with some girl there, at least Cas had confirmed they were single so there was no risk of repeating that hideous night with the boyfriend scene. That was the Dean Winchester way to do things when getting emotional, do the exact opposite of what he felt. And what he was feeling was to call Castiel, talk again to make it better, invite him over, innocently playing video games or watching some movies, he wanted to be with Castiel that night. Plus it would be good for the guy who still walked funny in school because of the accident. But that wasn’t this night, tonight he was going to get over his stupid crush. It was the same reason he used when going to see Lisa, and that didn’t go as he expected, if anything made him realize he didn’t feel for her anymore what he felt for Castiel now.

He went upstairs to take a shower, dressed up with acceptable clothes then went downstairs to tell Sammy he was going out. Sam just wished him luck and since Bobby was out dealing with a nightshift, Dean took his leave.

The driveway was designed to go downhill for a few meters before meeting the avenue and as such Dean drove carefully. Slow enough to glance at the house next door and notice the blue-eyed guy getting out of his house on the sly. Rendering his plan spoiled. Cas sneaking out would only mean one thing: going to the party. Dean was forced to park on the street, in front of Castiel’s insanely large lawn.

“Going somewhere?” he asked from the rolled down window, leaning on the passenger seat to be close enough for Cas to hear him.

Castiel was turning back, watching his house in case Naomi opened the door and went after him, so he was taken by surprise when he heard Dean’s voice. “Dean.” He spoke baffled.

“I thought you were trying to follow your dad’s orders to stay home.” Dean didn’t really want Cas to go to the party because that would only stop him from hooking up with someone. The point was getting over the guy, but if he was around it was going to be hard to get him out of Dean’s head.

“I decided not to.” Castiel spoke coldly.

Dean cursed inwardly and cleared his throat before speaking, “But I mean… your therapy session is tomorrow right? Wouldn’t it be better if you… you know, keep your promise for another day or two?”

Cas wasn’t dumb, Dean’s clothes gave away his plans of going to the party. Which added to the insistence on the therapy, just made Castiel grow angrier, “Is none of your business.”

Maybe Cas was right, it wasn’t really his job to protect Cas, but still Dean couldn’t help to care for the other boy, “I don’t want you to end up in a bad place.”

“I won’t,” Cas replied just as sharp as before, making Dean a bit just more convinced about going to the party because really, Cas didn’t have to be a brat. “Have fun at the party,” Cas bickered sarcastically and then started walking the other way, towards the numbered streets.

Dean stayed in the car for a minute, without driving away and just watching Castiel on the rear mirror. He assumed that Balthazar would go to the party nonetheless, so why was Castiel going there? Unless Cas had changed his mind about the party. Dean couldn’t ignore the guilt building up inside him for convincing Cas not to go, so he got out of the car and ran to catch Castiel’s arm. The other boy hissed in pain, bruises still in place and hurting under Dean’s touch.

“Wait, where are you goin’?”

“I don’t want to be home right now. I’m taking a walk.” He wasn’t looking at Dean

“Are you okay?” Dean asked concerned, there was something odd about Castiel.

“Fine,” but his voice didn’t reflect being fine.

“Cas, why don’t you st-”

“I said I’m fine, Dean.” One tone louder. “I was going to go the party, but clearly neither of us want the other to go, so please. You go, I’ll just want to walk.” Then he shook his arm off of Dean’s grip, not minding the pain of doing so.

Dean wasn’t sure if he appreciated the blunt honesty of if it bothered him but at least it cleared out the way for him. Selfish and dickish move, but Dean wasn’t really in the mood to play games with Cas “Don’t do anything stupid,” he countered, trying not to sound bitter, but who was he to give such advice when he was about to do something stupid himself?

Cas chuckled humorlessly, “Right, I wouldn’t want to be sent to a psych ward.”

Dean sighed irked at the sarcasm, and was ready to walk away, still debating himself between following Cas and making sure he’d be fine or going to the party. There were reasons enough to think Cas could do something to get into trouble (or worse) that started with drinking, but seen from a cold-blooded perspective it wasn’t Dean’s business or his position to be taking care of the other guy. Somewhere in his head he heard John’s voice _‘Don’t be such a pussy and leave him alone’_. He opted for the party.

“Could you at least text me at midnight to know you’re okay?” And since Dean saw Castiel getting his knew phone up and running, the lack of phone wasn’t an excuse anymore.

“Preferably not, I wouldn’t want to disrupt your affairs.” He answered annoyed, careless to hide his disapproval.

“My affairs?” this was starting to irritate Dean too. “Look, if you want to go into your crazy shit, fine, but stop turning it on me like I’m the one to blame.”

It was a bit of a low blow, because that was pretty much what Cas had been doing. “Okay… then stop calling for me.”

“Calling for you? Who was the idiot who called me to tell me…”

Castiel finally stopped and turned around on his feet to stare at the other guy. “… that I was in love with you?” his voice went down to a whisper when he admitted it again. Angry enough to shoot it back to Dean but conscious enough to keep it low.

“Don’t you say that to me!” Dean shouted in a whisper, if that’s even possible. He had heard that speech on his head all the time, on repeat, ever since Cas voiced those words they never left Dean’s mind, tonight he didn’t want to hear it anymore.

“Why? Am I a disappointment to you too? The first friend you make here and he’s gay, is that it?”

Dean could see the hurt in Castiel’s eyes. And suddenly he realized he wasn’t the only one struggling with that. Cas was just as terrified to admit it as he was, but at least he had the guts to say it. And Dean was still fighting it. “Why did you have to go and say that?”.

“… you really are a jerk,” said Cas with a broken voice. A terrible night that he was having, the discussion with Naomi got to him more than he wanted to admit, and the cherry on top was fighting with Dean too. And no fucking alcohol back home to drink it all away. And now thanks to Dean going to the party, the last thing Cas wanted was being there too.

“And you’re just a spoiled dick that throws a tantrum when you don’t get what you want. Just like everyone else here” This was one of Dean’s problems, speaking cruelly when he let anger get the worst out of him. He didn’t really mean it, Castiel was for sure not like the rest of them, but he was angry at himself for letting Castiel too close. If circumstances were different, they may have ended up together, but that night’s monologue with himself about John, wouldn’t let it happen.

Dean’s words hurt Castiel more than the actual fight. _Just like everyone else_. He didn’t want to be another pawn of that society, growing up to fill a father’s expectation for an unhappy life which only purpose was making more money than they could spend, or living in hiding only to keep appearances for people who would bash on him the first chance they got. He didn’t want that, and Dean saying he was just like that, definitely hurt. “And finally you tell me how you really feel.”

Dean had taken two steps closer to Castiel without even noticing, staring into the blue eyes through the dim light, he wasn’t looking at the hurt in those eyes, or how Cas could tell how he felt with just one look. No, he was looking at his own fear, the fear of changing, of becoming something far from what his father would want for him. Cas had changed him, and he was so fucking scared of that. “I’m done.” Dean grunted through clenched teeth.

“Fine by me,” Cas replied with the same hurt tone as before then turned around to keep walking. The darkness of the night hiding the watering eyes.

Dean walked back to the car and hopped in, slamming the door after him. It took him several minutes to calm himself down, to come down from the raging fit he just had and holding down some tears that threatened to pour out of his eyes. John’s voice repeated _‘Pussy’_ and Dean lost it. The board blinked before his eyes and he was mindlessly staring at the lights. “Fuck!” he yelled and hit the wheel. He had just pushed away yet another person in his life, one that he didn’t want away. But he knew it was matter of time before that happened, before Castiel understood he wasn’t a person who could be loved. It still hurt to know it finally happened, and now more than any other time before, he needed to get over it. The party awaited.

 

Castiel walked all the way to the beach, his feet sore by the time he reached the lifeguard post. This time he felt empty without at least a bottle of alcohol in his hand to drink while he stared at the ocean. It was the first time he wasn’t thinking about Michael’s absence, he would have never imagined his father’s solution was going to be sending him to therapy. Such a great father. Not much to do about it, Cas was going to go anyway, but right there he was thinking about Gabriel, the other one person left for him that probably would understand him. If what Naomi said was right and Gabriel had been worse than Castiel then what better place to be than with him? So he called his brother. Tears still lingering in his eyes but unable to truly come out. It beeped until the voice said the line was busy. He didn’t try again. Instead, he idly scrolled down his contact list for someone, anyone, who he could talk to. Balthazar and Uriel were at the party, he was mad at Rachel, Dean was off the table, and the list went on and on with people who Cas never felt close to. His finger paused on a name that he both feared and missed, why he hadn’t deleted him from the list was beyond him.

He was wise enough not to hit dial.

 

* * *

 

**Saturday**

Michael drove Castiel to the building, it was just outside of town where the suburbs morphed into city. The change of scenery was drastic and soon was filled with tall buildings of large business companies; it looked almost too impressive the one in front of him, too many floors to count and a reception room that imposed nervousness as soon as he walked in. His father of course had other issues to attend so he didn’t walk him in. He wandered into the dragon’s lair alone. Every step further inside felt burdening, reaching for the receptionist felt physically painful and he fidgeted with the pockets of his pants as he called in his name and told the girl he had an appointment. She pointed towards a hall where the elevators were.

After a minute of hesitation, he clicked the button for the 8th floor and stepped in when the doors opened. Maybe if he was lucky he could still get back down and get a cab back home, if anything felt too weird for him, he would definitely flee. 3rd floor, Castiel’s nerves were driving him crazy, it was the first time he would be talking to a therapist, what was he supposed to say? and most importantly, what should he not say? Chances were that despite the confidential pact, the therapist would talk to his father about anything he said in the session. There were many things he didn’t want his father to know. 5th floor, his mouth was going dry, it was too much pressure to be analyzed by some stranger, and he wasn’t very good at lying so a twitch, a tic, a tremble in his voice, **anything** could give him away, there was too much to be careful about that he didn’t want to go through. He didn’t deserve to be sent there anyway, he was fine, his family was the issue but they refused to see it. A bell rang and the doors opened to reveal a waiting room, not as big as he thought it would be, no receptionist, just an L-shaped corridor with a flowerpot on a corner and a couch on the wall right across from him.

He walked slowly towards the couch to take a seat, he was told that the therapist was not over with the last patient but he should wait outside. It wasn’t any comforting to be called a patient but he couldn’t argue. Then as he approached to the corridor turn, he noticed another person sitting on a chair on the hidden wall. Cas pretended not to notice the quick smile the other guy gave him when Cas sat down, arms resting on his legs. The other presence made it all the more uncomfortable. He rubbed his legs out of reflex then spotted a magazine on his side. He took it to have at least some distraction and turned the pages to trying to find something of interest. No luck on a gossip magazine of course. He closed it and tossed it aside on the couch. This whole situation was too unnerving and he wanted it to be over as soon as possible, with the least stress it could give him; so far it was going awful and he watched his clock, 9:44 a.m. too early for this. He tapped his fingers on the couch to the rhythm of some or other random song playing in his head… until he noticed it was Master of Puppets by Metallica and that he shouldn’t really know the beat of that song. He stopped with the drumming and put his hands together and rested them on his lap, then turned around to look at the plant next on the corner, too shiny to be natural but there was a floral scent coming from it, most likely artificial perfume. The ceiling was also suddenly interesting.

He couldn’t do it, he didn’t want to do it, and whatever Michael could do to him as punishment for missing the appointment could not be as stressful as this, so he stood up ready to get out.

“I came here three times before I actually walked through that door,” the other guy spoke.

Castiel stared at him confused, the other guy had probably been staring at the anxious kid all this time because he looked less awkward than Cas.

“I know you,” the man said after a few seconds of looking at a mute Castiel, then shifted on his chair to face him better. “You go to Harbor, right?”

Being easily recognized wasn’t new to him since pretty much everyone in C.H. knew his name. The protocol said an introduction was due, “Castiel Novak. Hi,” he tried to smile friendly.

“Yeah, you’re… a very popular guy. People speak great of your sex appeal.” The smile he gave to Castiel could only be described as devilish, maybe a little flirty but Cas wouldn’t notice. “Student Council, right?”

Castiel looked away embarrassed. Being popular or having sex appeal wasn’t exactly the description he wanted for himself, but he wasn’t there to pick a fight over it, “President. Yes,” and at least talking with this guy helped him to feel less stressed, so he sat down again letting out a defeated sigh. A silence extended after that, only broken by the supposedly relaxing background music. Classic music, probably Bach… or maybe Mendelssohn, Castiel tried tapping the rhythm to that song now, but trying to identify the track wasn’t helping with the awkwardness that suddenly fell back into Castiel. “You go to Harbor?” if only to break the tension again.

“Nah, I go to Pacific.” He sounded calmer, as if the discomfort was only on Castiel’s end. “Crowley.” He said with the hint of a cocky voice.

Cas wasn’t sure what he meant by that, so he squinted his eyes as if he tried to recognize the word in a foreign language.

“Name’s Crowley,” the guy elaborated after noticing Castiel’s confusion.

Castiel nodded, somehow he felt related to the guy for having an odd name as well. His eyes began wandering around the room to stare at the end of the corridor, opposite of where the elevators were, where two doors greeted him with the name of a Doctor printed on each of them; then down to the floor just because he was running out of places to watch, and finally back to the magazine, wondering if maybe there was something worth reading after all.

“For a popular kid…” Crowley laughed, “I don’t find you to be very social at all. Gonna have to talk to somebody about a recall.” His genuine smile was friendly, and it made Castiel breath out a laugh in return for the obvious joke, too uncomfortable to laugh properly.

“This is a psychologist’s office. It’s kind of embarrassing.” It was just as evident in his voice and the way he couldn’t keep eye contact for longer than a second.

“Yeah,” Crowley looked around jokingly, “yeah you’re right, this is totally embarrassing.” His eyes landed back on Castiel who kept looking away. Then after a small silence he spoke again “so… let’s address the obvious and move on,” he offered a small smile once Cas dared to look back “what’s wrong with you?”

Castiel frowned and leaned back. Unexpected conversation. He shuck his head lightly, both unwilling to answer that question and unsure of how to actually answer it. Mouth lightly parted as if to say something but he couldn’t utter a word.

Crowley didn’t seem to step back though and instead leaned forward to catch Castiel’s gaze with his own. “What. Is wrong. With you?” he repeated slowly, a friendly tone complemented with a smirk.

Castiel shook his head again, saying there was nothing wrong with him sounded hypocritical when he was in a place like that. “If I knew, I wouldn’t be here.” He admitted, almost hypnotized for this guy’s forwardness.

Crowley looked him over, up and down as if he was analyzing him. “You’re not an alcoholic… you’ve OD’ed at least once.” Castiel gulped. “Pills I’d say,” Crowley squinted briefly “…sleeping pills definitely.” He sounded cocky and know-it-all, which Cas didn’t precisely find comforting.

It was probably not a first-glimpse analysis, the rumor spread, anyone could know about his crash. Even if it was from a different school and Crowley seemed to recognize him so this didn’t mean Crowley understood him, right? And yet he found himself answering, “pain killers, actually.” The rest of his assumptions were accurate.

“Eh, you didn’t want to hurt yourself.” He said as if that was comforting… and maybe it was but Cas didn’t let it be seen. “Kurt Cobain, yeah he wanted to hurt himself.

Cas half smiled at the reference, one he actually knew, but remained defensive as he answered him, “You know, coming here wasn’t my idea.”

“Maybe not. But you wouldn’t be here if you didn’t want to be.”

For some reason Crowley’s words triggered something inside Castiel, as if he actually believed in them. He hadn’t put much thought on it if he was honest, why he was sent to therapy, maybe it wasn’t for the pills at all, maybe his father had seen something he didn’t. But he quickly shoved those thoughts away, and when he was about to retort some complain one of the doors opened and a man walked out, he walked past them to head straight to the elevator. Castiel felt relieved for a moment that maybe Crowley would enter instead, and finally Cas would gather the courage to flee, but life was not that easy.

“That’s you. I’m waiting on the next door.” Then he took the magazine up to eye level again, ending the conversation as impromptu as he started it.

Castiel hesitated for some more seconds, trying to peek inside the room from his spot on the couch, then back at the elevator to asses his options, but eventually stood up and walked nervously to the door. What other choice did he have?

“See you next week,” Crowley said without getting his eyes off the magazine. And Castiel gave small, shy smile before he finally walked inside.


End file.
